I’m predicting right now that Boston gets Cespedes and just banks on having enough OF depth to bump him to DH when his defense completely abandons him halfway through next season.

I mean, given the high ranks held by supreme emo teens Anakin Skywalker and Ben “Kylo Ren” Solo, it seems more than likely

Except that when New England did legitimately awesome stuff tinkering with eligible receivers in the 2015 AFC Divisional Playoff against the Ravens, literally the rest of the league complained until NFL leadership made it illegal.

“Musclebound, horny shrimp”. I think you’ve found your next Gronk description.

The problem is that Ronaldo is humorlessly arrogant. That’s why people hate him, and love Zlatan. Because Zlatan makes his asshole entertaining.

The funny thing is, that’s actually a high bar to clear in the Deadspin comments.

EVEN TRUTHIER TAKE: I think that one’s on Blind. Pedro made a good run, but Blind just loses him and doesn’t communicate with Smalling to let him know that Pedro is behind him.

He’s not actually mishitting shots. Sometimes he just likes to hit the ball into the ground, especially on the volley.

Duckworth is totally Faramir, mostly because that makes Mark Kirk Boromir.

I mean, hedge fund managers are, by definition, management, so I don’t know why management would itself have a union.

Take your goddamn star. I hope you’re pleased with yourself.