Take your God damn star. And if you’re Dave Parker, take that star and 999,999 more.

How long before Pence’s office is relocated to across the hall from Shelly Miscaviage at Gold Base?

I had a post-millennial relative (relative of my wife, actually) tell me last weekend that Kenny G. was the best musician of the 90s. Not Cobain or Ice Cube or TLC, Kenny fucking G. The guy who made mayo-infused “jazz” for Boomers who thought John Tesh was too edgy.

I’m completely shocked that a man who failed at selling football and gambling to Americans wasn’t impressive in his college admissions process.

Truly, comrade, you shall retire to the finest dacha.

I think Jezebel and vaping is like Ayn Rand and regular cigarettes. When you assert that every human action and behavior is inherently political, then you need to justify your worst habits as politically essential.

Rand couldn’t allow people to know she took irrational pleasure from smoking Lucky Strikes, so cigarettes…

I was saying Boo-urns.

This is absolutely shameful. More plans. Plans don’t work. If you want to solve income inequality, you have to manifest angels through positive thought. 

Beto O’Rourke served three terms in Congress and ran an impressive Senate race in a deep red state. I’m not voting for him for president, mind you, but he has a more impressive resume than a guy whose current job involves traffic planning for Notre Dame football games. 

I’m skeptical of the smarter, eviler Trump prevailing. It’s not out of the realm of possibility, but I don’t think it is likely. The x-factor for Trump is he spent his entire career as a media personality playing the role of Mr. Important Businessman. Larry King, Barbara Walters, Oprah all validated his charade for…

“If you look at the rhetoric now compared to the days when they were signing that agreement where it was always ‘death to America, death to America, we will destroy America, we will kill America,’ I’m not hearing that too much anymore,” Trump told Time. “And I don’t expect to.”

What is the ratio of Big Baller Bucks to Stanley Nickels?

Overcooked penne bends but does it ever really lose its shape?

Trump’s mass deportation plan is very, very easy to stop. It’s just the people in Washington are too stupid to figure it out. Believe me, this is very easy to stop. Everyone knows this. Major people know this. I know all the major people and they all tell me they know it is very, very easy to stop Trump’s mass…

There are absolutely jars of his urine in the White House. 

I saw this one coming a mile a way. - Stevie Wonder

This is true. There is still no evidence the crash happened though. 

I once spent 15 minutes arguing with one of those dipshits over whether Robert Byrd was still alive. Apparently, in the right-wing fever dream alternative reality, Robert Byrd is still alive, still in the KKK, and was the power behind the throne in the Obama White House. I wish I could make this stuff up. 

There are consequences for disrespecting Flavor Aid. Dire consequences.

I have a deeply held personal belief that no matter how much Jessica Biel says she doesn’t want spying on her from her bedroom window, she really does want me to do that. It is nothing short of a travesty of justice that the Government would interfere in this deeply held personal belief of mine.