“Our power bill is gong to be enormous, please turn up the A/C a little to save some power” is a thing that has never been said by anyone at any point in time, because that wouldn’t even make sense to the craziest crazy person out there.

What a way to go through life. Always tomorrow, never today. I say screw future me, he’s probably a jerk anyway! Go present me!

Jésus, il y a même des vérités Celine Dion sur ce site?

It’s important here to differentiate between “right” and “ability”

It was obviously Gisele. You get used to a fancy dog licking your ass clean and you’ll never stoop to double-ply Charmin again.

Joke’s on me, I’d have to high-five myself because lord knows my wife can’t cook for shit.

Since Ley wasn’t doing laundry, he wasn’t shouting, “Out, damned spot! Out, I say!—One, two. Why, then, ’tis time to do ’t. Hell is murky!” 

“Could I get 5 three-minute sessions instead?” You really need some representation brah

Oh, wait. It’s May. Sorry, carry on.

I’m so mad that I get this reference.

“Man-Puncher’s Man Punches Man-Puncher’s Puncher-Man”

Yeah. That’s a big stinky non-sequitur.

Yours doesn’t? How do you lay in a bath tub and breathe fully submerged?

That’s what I was thinking. The sign didn’t look all that different from a fastball sign. Maybe they were trying to be subtle.

Your penis breathes? You should probably get that checked out.

Good, you can be the one who explains it to Mayweather.

It looks like they got him to sign it though.

If fast food really kills you, why do you never see dead people eating fast food? 100% of fast food is consumed by the living. BOOM CHECKMATE

Is someday now? I’m pretty amused now.