As Magary will tell you as a Chopped fan/champ, you don’t fry something just to put moisture all over it. Judges on that show knock that shit all the time.

No, you clear room in the basket for a blob. Damn amateur fry eaters.

I tagged at least one elevator in my youth.

Fries with a fork, this fancy son of a bitch. But with hand delivery you can control the ketchup entry into your mouth and avoid the need for napkinng(?)! I like how many fries I ate with my hands, so you can sass someone else, buster.

Last semester I nominated a professor of mine for an award at the college I go to. Turns out that the essay I wrote for his nomination got me invited to his award ceremony. Anyways, there is this big, fancy cocktail party and dinner before the event. How acceptable is it for me to get shitfaced before it? It will…

Ah yes, one of life’s greatest pleasures: jacking it in a place you don’t live. Memories.

Blob. I don’t want ketchup on my fingers.

Sorry, I was distracted by the lady to the reporter’s right doing the jerkoff motion for no apparent reason.

That fuckboy life about to be repealed.

This lame technique does worry me a bit as a Rockets fan though. A lot of games got too close for comfort down the stretch because of this, including back-to-back losses the Spurs.

I hope he has insurance or he’ll have to foot the bill.

My aunt brings me decor almost every time she is in town because, as a 20-something man, I don't give a shit what my place looks like as long as I don't hate it.

I’m a Rockets fan, and two of the co-workers I talk to the most are a Mavs and a Spurs fan. This will be fun.

Honestly, I think we were looking forward to it.

Buzzkill, bro.

Wouldn't you like to know.

I was by Jersey Village. After 3 days, I lived like a king (eating normal food in the suburbs, but, like, a god damn suburban king).

Everything hurts.

I think my area was 3 days. Now I'm in Austin steppin to hurricanes like what.