When I was a first grader, I didn’t understand the difference between an inscription in a book and an author’s autograph.

So I told everyone in the class my grandmother was Beatrix Potter.

It has been 25 years, and I still cringe thinking about the unraveling.

Honestly not sure if this is a regret or not. It’s my second year of college, while I was still in a dorm. I woke up from a night of pretty heavy drinking. When I opened my laptop, I found that I’d been attempting to order a carrier pigeon online, and the only reason I didn’t was that I was too drunk to enter my…

In 7th grade, I bought two tiny preserved puffer fish while on family vacation at the beach, then used fishing line to secure them to safety pins and wore them as earrings to school. Creative? Yes. But not, I regret, a good look.

Once in middle school I ate an entire bag of dried apricots. My mom was upset with me when she found out, but I thought she was just mad because I had hogged all of it. Twenty minutes later I learned the truth of the matter. No matter all the inspirational memes and quotes about living a life with no regrets, I’ll…

Once I was sitting in an airport bar waiting for my flight and a German couple was sitting next to me. At one point, the lady sneezed and I said “bless you” instead of “gesundheit.” This happened a decade ago and I still think about it at least once a week.

For a good chunk of, I think it was 7th grade, I had a big crush on this guy Gus. His real name was August which I thought was adorable. We weren’t friends, but he was friendly-ish to me, a nerd, in a way most people weren’t, so I felt he wasn’t totally out of my league (he was).

I moved to a new state in the middle of 4th grade. In the place I’d moved from I was a total loser dork. Not cool. Dumb clothes (too poor for more than one pair of jeans, those were patched with heart shapes on the knees). Out of class for “Gifted & Talented” stuff sometimes. Not enough money for cool shoes. Didn’t…

Not sure which he twisted more, the ankle or the facts.

Faster!

Biden and Sanders are just too damn old to be president. There, I’ve said it. Biden would be 78 when he is sworn in and Sanders would be 79. For arguably the most stressful aging job in the world. Unless they do it like Trump. And let me add that incumbency gives a candidate a huge advantage. We lose that with Biden…

Cup Noodles bar none. It’s the most comforting thing I can eat, and it’s always humbling. Always had them at home (thank you Costco 24-packs), helped us stretch out funds phenomenally. My mother used to take it out of the cup (we didn’t use the cheaper packs for some reason?), boil it and add veggies/meats, serve it in…

In a landscaped thicket of tall grasses near Navy Pier in downtown Chicago. The grasses were tall enough to hide us completely, but as we found out they were prickly and sharp. Also everything was full. of. mosquitos. we were feasted on by so many bugs we were lumpy for days afterwards. However, the…

Yesterday the guy at the counter at the little bitty liquor store I sometimes go to, and always joke around with when he’s there, complimented me on my dress. Then he stopped and said, “I’m sorry, I’m probably not supposed to say stuff like that.” I replied, “Of course you can! Everyone loves a good compliment. What…

Dated a guy for 8 months. We were temperamentally incompatible but had good sexual chemistry. The week of my 26th birthday he shaved off *just the middle* of his beautiful beard into a style he dubbed “the hellfire”. I had PMS and every time I looked at him I saw a dark fur bush with his naked mole-rat-like chin…

I’ve had some epic birthdays, but my two favorite adult birthdays were my 24th and my 32nd.

I grew up a Jehovah’s Witness and wasn’t allowed to celebrate my birthday. It took a few years(due to residual feelings of guilt that are connected to leaving a cult), but the first birthday I officially celebrated with an actual party was the best one.

Ok, I’m an Old, so there needs to be a bit of backstory. One of my favorite bands growing up was Traffic. They had broken up when I was just a wee girl, so I never got to see them. My father had, however, and it made me seethe with jealousy. 1994(?) rolls around and it is time for my friends and I to make our annual…

If the next one isn’t called “Fast 10 Your Seatbelts”, then there is no justice.