I want to punch the adams apples of every guy who walks into the bathroom and hocks the biggest, loudest loogie he can into the urinal.  Farts happen.  Loogies are purposely generated for no reason.

Only a son or daughter of Greenwich (or the like) would think this needs explaining.

A job is a job is a job. If you’re devoting your life to it you shouldn’t be having to rely on your parents for income no matter what the other benefits of the job are. It’s also very important to our democracy that these stepping stone positions be an option for regular ass people not just the children of the rich.

His legacy is winning a national title as a freshman at Syracuse. 

Jesus fucking christ, man.

Goddamn snowflakes. Everybody knows a REAL man blames others for his own failures!

In another remarkable parallel to Farley and his commentary on the human condition, it appears that Smith will soon be living in a van down by the river.

That dad’s name? Lavar Ballsworthington

I prefer baked beans and/or potato salad with my hot dogs but fries are totally acceptable. Especially if you’re getting hot dogs at some grease joint.

I would actually think a major factor in older contestants doing poorly in Jeopardy is getting the timing of the buzzer down. From my own experience, if your competitor is just a fraction of a second quicker on the buzzer, you’re never coming close to winning, and worse, when you do get a chance to answer, your own…

That’s definitely not true.

Do none of you know what we the Arglyeans went through over the centuries to make that pattern? 

Hey, one joke per post. The fuck. Some of us are trying to eat.

You know how you feel about people wearing non-spooky costumes on Halloween? That’s how I feel about any adult wearing any costume on Halloween. We’re both stick-in-the-mud assholes. Learning to accept that is the first step to getting better.

I got an Instagram account after my wife and I had already started dating, so I didn’t get that wonderful period where you can follow a bunch of those giant ass accounts and if they ever show up in your feed while she’s peeking over your shoulder, you get to say “ sorry, was following that before we met” and then…

Much like novelty t-shirts, there’s an age limit for that and that age limit is 22.

I honestly don’t know.  And that’s why I stopped liking all of Drew’s tweets, it was a one sided relationship, that minx.

BUGLE BOY shirts were never cool, were they? I had, like, a dozen at one point

That’s rolling probable cause.

I totally get the anti-Boston sports team bias.