Please please please make him press secretary. In a hoodie with the White House seal.

Holy shit. We’re doomed. So next summer when I jump off the Lieutenant’s Island bridge at high tide a surprise waits for me to chomp my legs off?

They should just give you a shorter-duration visa, right?

“possibly trapped in the freezing cold Cape Cod Bay.”

‘this guy Bill that talks every day in the early morning, he doesn’t play,’

I came here to make that same point. “His best trait is his toughness — mental and physical” implies that his best trait is *not* ability to throw the football.

Not to mention past-his-prime Peyton Manning. Defense can win championships.

“rematch of the East’s two best teams”

LeBron agrees. Just ask former Coach Blatt.

Ha ha. My bad. I was distracted. He should weave his name into the art. Put his name in the butthole.

The best part is that is says “Mexico is Shit” until he adjusts it. I was like, “aaaaaah... oh, ok.”

I wonder how effective “please don’t kill yourself” signs are. I remember seeing one in a cave in Mexico. It wasn’t meant for suicidal people so much as people over-estimating their scuba skills and taking dumb risks. Also, it was in English, which tells you who they think are the idiots.

Can we agree that these articles are not that um, practical for many of us, but the graphics are ingenious. Please put them all together in a gallery and name the genius who made them.

Seems like Jacksonville fans should be donating too. Now they get to face the Bills in the first round.

“playing for dignity and draft position”

Ok, your douchery explanation accepted, but Trump is expecting bad waitstaff service?

One reason to look so carefully for the fencing response is that it’s an involuntary response to trauma. A major difficulty in keeping the game safe is that players have every incentive to minimize the appearance of severity of their own injuries so they can stay in the game.

In the photo he has two glasses of diet coke (with straws!). I always hated douches who order two beers at a time. This seems just as bad.

This is probably the most succinct possible explanation of why we should temper our enthusiasm for anything that ends a Trump presidency early. At least anything short of an exit so dramatic — his entire staff being frog-marched out of the white house in cuffs — that even his GOP successor is rendered impotent.

Good point. His ads are spreading tiny seeds of hope in the #Resistance. I won’t say any more lest I give away spoilers for The Last Jedi, but let’s just say we need another plan too.