rip miley cyrus

Yet again, Miley rehashes Grimes’s muse Brooke Candy, replete with her ambiguous orientation.

*groooooaaaaan*

I had an internship at a zoo in undergrad, and there was a note left about me one time. I explained that horseshoe crabs were an ancient species and you could see their relatives, the trilobites, in fossils from the Cambrian period. The dad got all huffy and asked how I knew it was “millions of years”, and I responded…

“I lugged this archaic camera all the way out here and didn’t have one Kodiak moment!”

Please tell me any reason why I shouldn’t adore Lisa and Zoë. Otherwise, I will love them forever because all I see is awesome and cool.

This woman is an American goddamn hero. It doesn’t even matter that she’s Chinese. That combination of stubbornness, desire to spite the security officials, and getting your drank on just made an eagle cry. It’s beautiful.

Me reading the headline: “Oh man, I hope she pounded it.”
Me reading the article:

I think it’s time for me to make another donation to Planned Parenthood, but I can’t decide if I should do it in honor of Anna Duggar’s Brother, Closeted Bradley Cooper, or Mel Gibson’s Cunt Mouth.

“Fortunately, we had a pretty good relationship with the local cops (again, this was Canada, not America, so all the young cops had Women’s Studies degrees and wanted to help poor people and shit). “

Salad for lunch today.

NEVER REACH ACROSS MY BAR, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!

“Easier to say yes than no with raged-out older guys—as all women know.”

Why do you do this to me Pinkham? It’s almost an hour until lunch still, and I can’t get this out of my mind.

A fashion designer who’s openly misogynistic and has no regard for any woman who’s not built like a 2 X 4?

It’s becoming more and more popular for men to be completely hairless down there and it is not cute. I need to start asking people about their pubic situation because if it’s prepubescent down there, I don’t think I can visit. No thanks. It makes your dick look dumb.

And this is why Egyptology is amazing.

I feel like Lambert’s Café needs to change its name to "Ow Bon Pain" after this incident.

also legit just learned that toothpaste has an expiration date

Their sources said that—you guessed it—Affleck had nothing to do with it.