That Brooke Hogan smells like balogna is something I not only believe, it is now the hill I will lie down and die on if called upon to do so.

‘and sharp cheekbones that protrude like tiny cherries, even when she’s not smiling,’

Nothing makes me more furious than people who say this line to other people. NOTHING.

Freezer? Dry ice. The glass too. You want that look of surprise when she can’t get her lip unstuck.

can I get a frappachino with seventeen shots of caramel and toffee, please?

This one. I don’t know how people stand other people. Like the employee should get an award for not punching her in the face.

I continue to apologize while I’m refunding her drink, while she continues to stand there and ladle out her drink onto a plate. The cars are backing up in the drive thru and I explain that I have to get back to my window, and she says, “No, you will wait here until I’ve gotten all the foam out of this drink.”

It continues to amaze me that some customers think that people who professionally make coffee drinks don’t know how to make coffee drinks. Like a barista doesn’t know how to make a cappuccino?

A few weeks ago, I was in a class for work, and we had a catered in lunch. The girl sitting next to me said, “Oh, I hope they have something gluten free.” I responded with “Oh, you have Celiac disease?” To which she replied, “No, I’m just kindof intolerant. Like if I eat gluten, I get bad heartburn.”

Every day I thank the Lord that I don’t live in America

Oh Tracy, what would we do without you posting controversial stuff on the weekends to keep us entertained? You’re a Jezebel treasure.
(I predict that this time it won’t be the regular Jezzies who get offended, but we will get an influx of possible MRAs and #notallmen’ers at some point, not to mention mansplainers.)

Just yesterday, I was at the corner store buying my standard migraine hangover cure: giant ass Coke Zero and some salt-and-vinegar potato chips. I had messed up hair, sunglasses deployed, ratty-ass clothes, and Kid Electron in tow, because it’s just not a migraine hangover without a three-year-old asking for Skittles…

SHAKING BAD

Yet another danger of ordering off of secret menus.

Can we talk about the use of the word “hack”?

Fraser, who would not know fun if it peed on her head

“When you’re acidic, you’re toxic and a breeding ground [for germs],”

Cool. This one time, I was camping and it was dark. I turned off my lamp and squatted to #PEE somewhere in the trees. Started to get that feeling somebody’s watching me and heard a distinct... lapping??? noise? So I spun around with my pants down and there was a deer drinking my #PEE straight from the tap, under my…