Yeah, that makes no sense.  Leave a note wedged in their front door: “PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE NOTES ON MY CAR TELLING ME WHERE NOT TO PARK ON A PUBLIC STREET.”

Oooh, lookit mister fancy pants right here, with his candy coated “name brand” ibuprofen...

But basically I don’t think I have significantly lower odds of completing a PK than actual players.

I salute you, Rand Paul’s Neighbor

Wow, gun violence AND an assault on a free press all in one? It’s like the conservative dream. 

Chef: MY MOM

For a while in college, my house mates and I used coffee filters. It was a dark time. 

Where’s the cut?  Where’s the cut?!!

A kick-ass name, too. White House? Mar-a-Lago? Camp David?! Lame-o.

Did Hitler try to eliminate an entire group of people from the earth?  Sure.  Did the Eagle’s Nest have an absolute bitchin view tho?  You’re goddamn right it did!

your real crime was fathering Ted Cruz, asshole

I’ve rebroadcasted and retransmitted a few baseball games without express written consent from Major League Baseball. I feel pretty broken up about it.

Suarez was expecting to feast on Russia’s players, but not exactly like this.

People who think their feelings are more important that providing healthcare to a person should not work in healthcare in any capacity.

Fallon brought it up. He played nicely with an avowed racist, and his staff wasn’t happy with him. Right after that, his ratings dropped because the desperation of his antics and general star-fucker-ness was totally laid bare. Now he’s trying to dig himself out by apologizing WAY after the fact, when really it’s just…

how about you make a donation in your own name because you’re fucking complicit too

Guess you haven’t seen her picture.

This is chief among the reasons why I refuse to run.

This is gonna be the best thing since Geraldo opened Al Capone’s vault.