I spent most of quarantine learning Portuguese and got to go there this summer in the slim window between opening up to the US and their numbers rising again. It was amazing, and if there was any practical way I could move there, I would do it tomorrow. 

Why is Sharon Stone wearing my prom dress from 1993?

Yeah, blah blah blah what is art fine whatever. But $84k? If you’re gonna pull this shit, go big enough that you can disappear into obscurity after because good luck getting commission work ever again.

Two Halloweens ago, a trick-or-treater who came to my door dressed like Santa actually said to me, “Good job getting Airheads. Kids really like those.” I was very high on edibles at the time, and it freaked me the fuck out.

She became pregnant because she was human and had sex.

I’m glad everything went well for you. I had an abortion at 8 weeks pregnant at an Austin clinic in 1999 when I lived there. It was easy-peasy, with no complications and no protesters, thankfully. I was in graduate school and there’s no way I would have been able to travel out of state. My heart breaks for everyone…

Jesus. If by “even sadder,” you mean karmic justice, then yeah. The guy who killed Pinky was garbage, and the world and his family are better off now that he’s dead. Hopefully his daughters have gotten/are in therapy after watching their drunk abusive dad “show off” by smashing a flamingo to the ground. RIP Pinky!

Ten years ago, my husband had surgery on a varicose vein in his testicle. At some point in the insurance process, someone mis-entered his gender as female, and the claim was denied because *checks notes* females don’t have testicles.

I work at a state university and we just got notice that all DEI (Diversity/Equity/Inclusion) trainings and programs have been halted as well as harassment/discrimination trainings that all staff are otherwise required to take because the university is afraid of losing federal aid. They say it’s temporary until they…

That’s all they can say due to FERPA rules.

Why do I have the feeling he was snickering as he typed “outsized impact?”

Those strawberries aren’t even ripe. I bet they’re hard and flavorless. There are probably a hundred fancy-ass boutique businesses in NYC or DC or wherever that do flawless chocolate-dipped fruit, but of course he went with the shitty KFC-equivalent. Trumps gonna Trump.

There’s this chain restaurant in the Midwest called Pizza Ranch. They pride themselves on being family-friendly and uber-conservative (they LOOOVE hosting Republican candidate meet-and-greets), and their buffet is lower to the ground to accommodate kids, I guess. My husband and I were walking past one in the mall on…

This morning, I woke up to four inches of snow. It snowed through the morning, now it’s sunny and 45 degrees. It was 75 one day last week. My dogs would like to speak to a manager.

Meanwhile, our wonderful governor of Iowa refuses to order a shelter-in-place order but has proclaimed today to be an official Day of Prayer, so... https://governor.iowa.gov/press-release/gov-reynolds-proclaims-%E2%80%9Cday-of-prayer%E2%80%9D-in-iowa

Wow. That’s... something.

Seriously? Not a single coxswain joke in the comments? You’re killin’ me, smalls.

Ugh, I hate when I standard or mini poodle wins. Nothing against the breeds themselves in real life, but something about those obnoxious puffballs and shaved bits really burns my biscuits. That’s not a dog, that’s a Barbie Dreamhouse pet accessory that comes with a little pink plastic comb. #neverpoodle…

Rashida Jones needs to fire her stylist. I was wondering whose mom she was. She’s a gorgeous chick! Dress her like one, dammit! 

But they’re both stoned as hell in that photo, right? At least I like to imagine them that way.