I heard she was hired to commemorate the opening of first Pink Taco location on the east coast.

+New England'd

If she's good, she'll find another client, stat.

Pro tip: don't date someone that works at a gym and is overtly insecure. The propensity for them to cheat on you increases exponentially.

I don't understand why she's apologizing for her Crimson Tide outburst.

I love your videos, Deadspin, but did you really have to dub over this one with the audio from the Wall-E sex scene?

"Thank you, thank you." — Michigan Stadium, the Harbinger of Arrogant Shades of Yellow

add college hockey to that list and I'm with you.

Mike Tomlin obviously found more productive things to do with his time on Sunday than coach against the Browns.

They forgot pants.

"Sorry, honey. Got the clap." — Tiger

Next, dad's daughter gingerly picked up a wrapped box shaped somewhat like an iPhone, expected to contain the phone number and several selfies of her long-lost mother, a Mizzou journalism alum.

This Christmas

I lost you after "I passive-aggressively jarred his foot".

This is the equivalent of seeing a bride walk down the aisle in Louboutins and bellow "COMPENSATING FOR INSECURITYYYYY!" at her.

I don't even want to know what a woman's shootout looks like.

Man, I love it when all heck breaks loose.

"There was a sniper in the gym. Didn't you see that? We had guys falling down. We had a guy snipered at half-court. Two guys snipered at half-court. It was unbelievable! I would have thought Navy Seal Team 6 was out there."

"Gentlemen, please take a seat and select your headphones. Now remember, red is for non-virgins. Blue is for virgins by choice, and white is for virgins by force. May the odds be in your favor."