You are amazing and probably my new hero...

So you loosed the glasses on an unsuspecting world, or you lost them, or you losed them, which is not a word.

That’s clearly John Heard AKA Kevin’s dad from Home Alone AKA the hero of CHUD...

Ohmygod you fostered hundreds of animals? Like literally hundreds???

No everything you just typed is entirely correct......

Hold on guise lemme write this down...so if i am in 6th grade (which means i am 11 or 12) and i am a girl or a boy, i should totally NOT have sex with anyone. Ok good to know! Thanks Jezebel!!!

TL;DR: Don’t have sex when you’re eleven or twelve. THE END SIGNED JEZEBEL AKA GAWKER MEDIA AKA NICK DENTON’S CASH COW WORSHIP ME BROOKLYN HIPSTERS WORSHIP ME...I MAY EVEN PAY YOU EVENTUALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the greatest Jezebel article of all time: “Jezebel Says Maybe Don’t Have Sex With Randos When You’re Eleven, Or Even Twelve!!! But Def NOT In 6th Grade! Earth Continues To Spin On Its Axis, Does Not Tumble Into Sun, Humans Keep Humaning About” this is so fricking classic i fear we have reached peak Jezebel.....

So what you’re saying is if I’m 11 years old and in 6th grade, don’t have sex with anyone? Man this is some good advice right here...

Just like the article, a real shitshow all around.

Mark, I think I love you—-what should I do???

Fidel Castro.

Is that a picture of a caveman at The Museum of Natural History or an artist’s rendition of Sawney Beane? Either way its fucking terrifying...

He looks like the CroMagnon mannequins in the museums...

Stupid lazy pandas took them 7 weeks to tell us the good news??? Typical. Sooo typical...

You’re talking about drunk German white anglo saxon Protestants so you mean The Windsors right?

You nailed it Mark.

“Nobody who’s lived the life i have has talked about”. About what????

Are you a Spyro-like dragon, or a griffin, or...?

Well, were you a madam at a bordello and thus literally hustling?