The lights go out and I can’t be saved

More appropriate songs:

Holy shit, a Kolvoord Starburst. I thought the Academy banned that!

“College athletes shouldn’t be paid because they get a free education.”

You’d keep your asshole clenched too if you were indiscriminately fucking that many people.

And then he dabbed.

Not pictured: Jason Whitlock masturbating furiously off-camera

Since when is ‘I’m an old crazy cracker billionaire with giant statues of an idealized Herculean me in front of the stadium don’t back-sass me boy’ not a good reason?

If I had to die, being blown to death would pretty much be at the top of my list.

I assume Jake Gyllenhaal is busy?

Pfft. As a baseball purist, I find the Sacrifice Bunt Derby far more entertaining.

The joke is on you guys, that is just me in my favorite furry costume.

How come women can’t go sleeveless when Paul Ryan is allowed to go spineless?

The greatest trick Phil Jackson ever pulled was to convince James Dolan he wanted to stay.

Late lunch is the only answer. If you leave for lunch at 1 or 2, then you have less of the day to come back to. HOW DOES EVERYONE NOT KNOW THIS?

People who get to the front of the line and still don’t know what they want can go to hell. It’s a fast food place, they only serve but a couple different items. There are massive, brightly-colored menus, with pictures! That you can look at while you are in line.

As a late luncher, it’s not about being too busy, it’s about hating other people.

Soon we’ll all be like James Harrison, playing Hooverball and living in Hoovervilles.