Yeah tall guy in front of you SUCKS

I had a guy at a show a few months ago that was the size of one of those ancient friggin' redwoods standing in front of me. At one point I bowed my head in sheer misery, only to bump into his lower back.....and I'm 5'7" for pete's sake!

Or

I'm short. I've never had a problem asking if we could switch spots.

6. The Fucking Tall Person Standing Directly In Front of You

Apologies about being the Fucking Tall Person. I always feel pretty sheepish when I am at the front of the stage, but remember, I got there early to get a great spot. Most of the time I came from another state too... sorry.

I'll see your 'tall person', and raise you 'the asshole who is recording the show with his fucking iPhone'

Sorry 'bout that.

Don't you get it? "Success" is a zero-sum game.

No lie. I bought it because I was in a really unhealthy fuck-buddy relationship. The day I got this in the mail I DUMPED HIS ASS TO THE CURB!

They reworked the entire schedule, so that my daughter and 8 other girls could take AP Computer science - they all scored a 5 on the exam. They also fired the counselor who said to my daughter that she was such a pretty girl why did she want to study something so hard. Sometimes you have to just push people, and if…

Having raised a daughter who loves science, math, robotics, and computers I can tell you that girls are actively discouraged from taking these courses. Unless you are proactive as a parent and insist that your child get the classes they want, teachers, counselors, and administrators will conspire to keep girls out of…

this is why this organization fucking rocks and we should support the hell out of it.

I just asked my vibrator if I was a "lonely fuck" and it said BUZZZZZZZZZZZ...

I also question why vibrators are so expensive. VIBRATORS FOR THE PEOPLE.

It's not like guys are buying sex toys to curl up with them in the lonely watches of the night and whisper "I wish you were real" over and over again whilst weeping. It's a fucking sex toy, ffs.

Um, I can get in my car and drive to Whole Foods in, like, 5 minutes to stock up on bulk lentils on my way to the gym while my kids are with the nanny! Why are poor people so dumb they don't know that?

To paraphrase Bukowski, I'm attracted to people who have had all the inauthentic beaten out of them.

Knock Knock

Draws a circle in salt on the floor, lights a candle, and whispers the words of summoning...