Unfortunately, old voters can’t die fast enough to save the country.

I’m not going to win this thread. You are fucking awesome.

I wouldn’t have thought that any bad guys named in this piece should be called and asked inane questions until they leave the country, but, as Homer said in The Odyssey, “...here we are.”

I’ve come to accept that I will never share my undying love of the Geto Boys with my six-year-old.

Yes. You are now the Ben Carson of installing braces and, also, nap time.

I’ll just say it here because it’s going to be said elsewhere and I like how jaded you are to this particular brand of Gawker Splinter tomfoolery:

mebble wooble wooble mebble benz skeee-oooo! Skeee-oooo!

I have owned several cell phones, which makes me an expert on mining rare elements, touchy-screeny things, and head cancer.

As trap gets dumber and dumber so do the rappers. But, I remember thinking Puffy getting a credit for saying “Uh-huh, uh-huh” over absolutely everything was the end of the world.

You’re still solid. One thing is not the other. For example:

It’s like every day these people get together and argue who can pretend to be the dumbest, the most gross. And every day, when one of them snorts and spits up something vile onto the table, Kilmeade grabs a straw.

Your comment makes me think you might be a little slow.

Always assume random teens are trying desperately to dunk on you.

It’s more like there was a transporter malfunction and you ended up with an instant potatoes version of William Shatner.

You’re well worth three bits :)

I like the idea of multiple viewpoints, but I think when you’re fielding forty-seven candidates, half of the electorate says, “Well, I’ve heard of Joe Biden,” and heats up some more pizza rolls because their kids ate the first batch.

In some other countries, election season is legally mandated. Can you imagine how awesome it would be if we only had to deal with this shit for a few months instead of two-and-a-half years?

I love Abrams, but she’s a little late. My cat and my neighbor both announced they were running last week.  My own announcement was the week before that.

You... monster.

“I can see that I have behaved in ways that did not always support my personal code of values,” the arsonist said. It was, he thought, a strange statement and might confuse the judge.