I knew those goats were trouble when they walked in.

Hm, on the other hand, Alec Baldwin told the prime minister of the UK that Ethan Hunt is “the living manifestation of destiny” in his full-on You Ask Me If I Have A God Complex Voice. That’s gotta count for something.

If that were a real high school dance, just the thought of going home would’ve had Joseph pulling up short rounding second.

Are any of us?

Hell, just making contact would be a victory for Mitch. 

The second one is way better when you read it as Forrest Gump

I had a weird brick wall where every other brick was proud about 1.5 inches and you could use it like a ladder. This was made harder by the fact I only used this method of ingress and egress while not sober. 

It’s true, Barbaro bought Elmer’s with his Triple Crown winnings. A heartwarming tale.

This is the same thing I said about Barbaro and you remember how that turned out.

The USMNT wouldn’t even have been able to make it out alive.

Fish is delicious, but I can have leftovers of any of the other foods. Can’t have fish leftovers, and I’m not gonna cook every dang day.

I drink two beers before I drink two beers, and then I drink two more.

The refs are going to have the time of their lives figuring out that one.

Oh man, the 76'ers can’t catch a break.

My best friend and I dressed up as Burt and Ernie for halloween about 8 years ago. Went out and got pretty hammered at the bars, and then I see down the street, Cookie Monster, just standing there. Well I thought it was a good idea to jump on his back, we both fell to the ground, and that’s when I feel a shot to the…

Smh. Gambling has been legal nationwide for like two weeks and Vegas is already irrelevant.

“i used to be a nazi. i still am, but i used to too” -heinrich hedberg

I think it was

I don’t have a problem either way with how they call it on the floor. They called it a charge in real time, that’s fine, had they called it a block, fine.