Thanks, trigger-happy ATF agents!

Stop illegally harvesting sod from my property and selling it on the landscaping black market!

The sheriff's comin' t' took 'r guns!

I implore you to take this vital plea for our Freedoms® and argue it before Congress. Get them to repeal the Non-Proliferation Treaty. Surplus Soviet ballistic missiles are the only defense against the many, many bad guys with guns who are killing the very few good guys with guns.

I don't know why they wouldn't have. Destroying commie propaganda and releasing foul burnt plastic fumes into the atmosphere seems like a great way to celebrate being a dumbass.

Generally, yeah.

I live in Connecticut, about half an hour from Newtown, and I go to the local pistol range once every couple weeks or so. The range is the only place in my routine where Sandy Hook comes up in conversation, and it always winds up being used as a precept for rants on, like, how we should be kicking all the "Mexicans"…

I don't want to bust your bubble of out-of-context silliness, but I guarantee that they're funnier on the show.

America's children are already fully desensitized to violence. But we can still make a difference by keeping them from swearing and having sex. The last thing we want is for our kids to scream profanities in the nude while they shoot up a school.

If you were so tubby that hookers were the only small Vietnamese boys women who would sleep with you, you would not be so quick with the mean jokes.

Don't let your daughter date a Linux! It will hack their virginity and break their heart!

I define "Millennial" as anyone who had access to a broadband connection during their early adolescence but during that time did not own a smartphone.

The robot's an NSA plant! IGNghazi!

["APPLAUSE" sign lights up, flickers, buzzes, and falls from the crumbling cement wall in a shower of sparks, starting an electrical fire.]

You understand my television wants.

"HOW CAN I SOLVE THE PUZZLE IF I'VE ALREADY FILLED UP ALL THE PAGES IN THE MANUAL WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE NOTES!?"

I've gone 23 days without pointing out to someone that assuming each generation's complaints about the next are comparable is a sweeping generalization itself. Thanks for breaking my sobriety.

Shit! Monkey drivers!

[Dagless plays guitar lead from the hospital roof.]

Liz, fancy egg in soup? I'm free this evening.