My dad wasn't very present in my life when I was younger, because his work required him to be in other parts of the country for about 10 months of the year. But now that I'm older, I've stopped being a whiny asshole and begun to treasure his effort to spend as much time as he could with us, when he was able to.

Maybe I'm a sociopath who doesn't judge people for making innocent things miserable, but I think you are a really cool guy who doesn't get enough upvotes for his funny remarks.

Yes. I'm still drinking to cope with my "sister problems" thread from yesterday.

Only if it's the cheap stuff.

I really don't know who'd play my dad. His personality is so un-Hollywood that I've never seen an actor portray anything remotely like him, and he doesn't have any likeness to any actor who's coming to my mind.

I had to fact check that just to make sure it wasn't a Something Awful creation.

I'd rather have Kenneth Mars as my dad, because fuck due process. I want my dad to be able to rile up the townsfolk into an angry mob and set fire to shit. Go dad!

It's been "Depression Week" here at the A.V. Club.

I'll take a rye and ringer, if it's not too much trouble.

Man, and I thought my sex traffickers challenging me to games of Set was weird …

Well, if this doesn't convince me to stop scrounging my pennies by buying anything less than industrial-strength tin foil, I don't know what will.

We've finally, thoroughly discredited those Shipper-theory idiots and sent them running back to their caves! Champagne for everybody!

So she's a blogger? That's technically a job, right?

They already have that. It's the CBS News New York City affiliate.

A Home Depot rent-a-cop?

As long as he's got "Hot Rats" and "We're Only In It for the Money", he'll do fine.

The obvious direction to go in now is to compare his size footprint to that of a 1965 Chevy Malibu. You know, because he's old, his paint job is starting to crack and get wrinkly, and he leaks oil all over the place.

Cock push-ups? I guess you can only do one, really.

In that case, he's going to have to sell everything.

I don't know about my brain, but no amount of knuckle cracking is going to get rid of this hand cramp I've got. I've switched to my left, but it's not experienced enough for the job and I don't know how much longer it can hold out.