I have T-Mobile, but I wasn't actually on a PA mountain when I sent this, I was in upstate New York (near the Berkshires).

I don't understand anything about what she does, but every time someone has to use the line: Her critics simply don't understand the medium. It's usually a sign they weren't doing something right with their job...

Gwyneth Paltrow would probably mistake my middle class suburban home for a refugee camp. And she'd probably be all Goldie Hawn in Overboard about it. "Ahn-drewwww! These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish! Am I supposed to just walk around with their little corpses stuck to my fingers?"

Yawn. This sums up my feelings about Katy Perry:

Technically, it's missing hero cats and Tom Hiddleston. But I'm willing to let that slide.

This was my text exchange with my girlfriend today. (We live in Pennsylvania.)

Men who whine about doing chores can fuck off, seriously. It is a tired and played out cliche of the wife nagging your ass to pull your weight around the house. No one likes doing them. And what's further more, no one likes asking your lazy ass to do them. Grow up.

Srsly, is it really that much harder to do ten minutes of chores a day than to invoke and endure endless acrimony?

Open Letter to the Man who just wants quiet.

I used the Bar Method, and I got great results: I was shitfaced drunk in under 30 minutes!

Thank you, Lindy, for reminding me that it's never too early in the day to start drinking.

Tip 3: Profit!

Tip 1: Have ample T&A and a comparatively small waist

IT'S A HIT!

Actually, the cheapest wine at WalMart is about $3.

I'm | too sexy for the dance | too sexy for the Dads | too sexy for the lads

Seriously! In so many ways he's the only freaking character with any damn honor at all.

He's also a lot more pragmatic than Ned Stark. Stannis seems like he'd run a tight ship if he took the throne — just not a very fun one. Considering what the majority of people in Westeros seem to consider "fun," maybe that's a good thing.

Aw, I like Stannis and Davos "Big Dave" Seaworth. They're not in my top five, but they're not chopped liver. Stannis is a weird, uptight asshole, but he's also pretty unique among Westerosi nobility in that it is completely impossible to bribe him or kiss his ass. He just does not care. If anything, trying to butter…