I really like the article and am sorry to do this because someone will be an ass about an autocorrect; “Yet, none of this stopped the 53 percent of white women from voting for him while dawning pink pussy hats. But I digress.”

Man, if noted racist asshole Art Acedevo is against you...

“At least temporarily I had it taken down because I don’t want to be insulted, my children to be insulted, my family to be insulted.”

Maybe if you’re going to demonstrate against Nazis, leave the Hugo Boss boxers at home that day and pick another brand?

Theres no way to prevent this!

Psh, I’m running for office on the Thunderdome Platform! Every school gets one! Uzbekistan is paying for ‘em!

Okay, fine.  Train my kid.

A Marriott in Cincinnati claims to have the world’s largest indoor gazebo. I can’t quite articulate why, but it strikes me as the perfect analogy for Cincinnati. 

I had a boss who once called me at 4:30am because her furnace broke and she wanted me to track down someone at the repair company who was working at that time of night to fix it.

Have a little respect for the biggest metropolitan area in Kentucky.

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Donald Trump, the president, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Pennsylvania Avenue with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his…

“He has even worked the phone with our competitors, injecting stability into bilateral relationships that are undergoing contentious, but necessary readjustments to place American interests first.”

I work in the legal department of a large corporation. I draft and review contracts daily, including NDAs but hey, thanks for the explanation.

Jesco: [lying on couch; girlfriend walks into living room] Oh, hi sweetie. I...heard you were thinking about quitting drinking.

All that evident torture she’s put her hair through seems to have affected her brain. Do they make Pantene for the mind?

I read this exact same advice in Goop, except it was paprika instead of salt, oat milk instead of beer, pouring it on your clit instead of drinking it, and instead of changing your life in the abstract it eliminated the discomfort of menopause.

“Lowlife. She’s a lowlife”

So loosely translated, he’s an unemployed motorcycle enthusiast who sells homemade crap on the side of the road.

What’s the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?  With a Hoover, the dirtbag is on the inside.

Besides, it’s Boston’s Green Line. A butterfly flaps its wings in Oregon and somehow Green is fucked until the next afternoon.