I think ignorance should be physically painful. Like, you say something ignorant and get a sharp pain in the eyeball.

It’s a microphone, but Horny Tribble is now my new band name. 

Thanks. I was going to say that doesn’t sound like Sheesh at all. WTF is wrong with people?

I should clarified that I’m lucky we have 1.5 shitters. I know not everyone can swing it.

I am so sorry. I think you’re brave as hell for sharing this and surviving it.

My cat does this. My husband works from home and he says that Biscuit will perk up and go by the door a bit before I walk in. That cat is always there to greet me, just like a dog.

I bet you’re a real blast at parties.

Boyfriend, being the clueless nerd he is, begins to argue about how, objectively speaking, it’s kind of weird to find a stranger in your bedroom in the middle of the night.

I got a thimbleful of Galliano, which could be considered child abuse. That shit makes NyQuil taste GREAT.

My marriage advice after almost a decade: you don’t have to always LIKE the same shit, but you should HATE the same shit.

Hoodrats gonna hoodrat.

BURN.

Huckabee’s about to meet the Swift stans, which, better you than me, dude. 

Nope, no time to be depressed. Shoulders back, chin up, tits forward, VOTE!

She’s fast approaching Kanye levels of batshit. I feel for her, but girl, get help.

They had no shame in telling us to fuck our feelings two years ago, so backatcha, peckerwoods.

Nicki would pull a Clint Eastwood and fight with an empty chair.

She’s also pushing 30, she could be growing the hell up, who knows. 

Hope the interview went well!

No, but I bet that’s his safe word.