A cop's son could steal his gun? How often does that happen? We don't need gun restrictions because of some ridiculous scenarios you thought up?

I really don't want to have sex in my kitchen. The tile is hard, it's in the middle of the house, unsexy lighting.

This caused me to have a Twitter meltdown yesterday. It is now confirmed verbally: conservatives believe that victims of gun violence are necessary collateral damage to their "right" to own personal firearms.

Oh Tim, you're so naive. The Cavs, LeBron's former team, got the 1st pick. The Heat, Lebron's current team, got the 26th pick. 1-26? Do I have to spell it out for you? It's the number of letters in the alphabet. Now, let's break down that word, "alphabet." Al, a popular name. Pha, a phonetic spelling of a…

This is absolutely disgusting. I've gone a long time pretending this shit didn't exist, and that was perfectly fine until it started getting thrown in my fucking face. This has gone too far. Now I'm going to have to explain to my children that OWN is an actual TV network.

When I was online dating, one time, a guy contacted me but his profile didn't have any clear photos of his face (all of them were from a distance or showed his back or didn't have him in it.) So I asked for a face picture and he finally said ok and sent me one. Of Clive Owen. I asked if this was a joke and he said no.…

#TipsForJesus: your friend Lazarus is pretty sick, you might want to pick up the pace a bit.

TipsForJesus: Tell your friends to yell louder when asked by Pontius Pilot.

#TipsForJesus: Reception in Gethsemane is spotty—messages sent from there might not be received.

Delicious :)

I've made flancrepes before. Flan, wrapped in a crepe with macerated fresh peaches and a caramel drizzle.

The flan part is ok, but the cake ends up moist yet hard. Like a very grainy brownie or something.

My aunt makes an evil flan-cake. Not as in pancakes, but as in flan and cake, in an unholy union, in the same dish.

How the hell did I miss flancakes...also, I love your new username.

You left your monkey pajamas here, btw.

I WAS ONLY IN YOUR HOUSE THAT ONE TIME!

I feel like I want to sit all of the fancy dessert chefs in the world down and remind them that, as a society, we're perfectly good with eating whipped cream from the can.

I wouldn't dress up nicely to see the President or the Queen, because I am ALPHA AS FUCK.

Let he who has not eaten swine cast the first stone. Fucking cannibal.