Hey Earl! Did you see what happened to the Vi-QUEENS?

“Hi, this is John Elway. I hear you have a QB opening... boy, do we have a deal for you on a slightly used Mark Sanchez...”

Please leave and take this affront to humanity with you. You and your devil cake are not welcome here.

The worst personal pizza:

Okay- you know what? You and Zach take alllllll the goddamn mustard. Go on, I won’t stop you! That’s more ketchupy goodness for me and my burgers and hot dogs.

One of my favorite jokes ever. An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all sitting at a bar, drinking pints of Guinness. A fly lands in each one. The Englishman fishes the fly out, flicks it away, and pushes his pint down the drain. The Scotsman fishes the fly out, flicks it away, and resumes drinking his…

We are, and always will be, awaiting the Second Coming of Elway, glory to His Name, and all others shall be false idols, except the humble Saint Peyton Manning, peace be unto him, and may the Lord forgive him his time amongst the heathen Colts.

The biggest danger comes a month after the attack when there is a full moon.

I was gonna say “well, part of the problem is that their quarterback is a 47 year old insurance claims adjuster.”

He should have just wound up in a lake and the cops would have let him off.

This will be a good reason not to stand for the Star Spangled Banner.

When police arrived, Mason accused them of teaching Al-Qaeda to fly planes, and said he would call the White House and have them lose their jobs.

And my dad going to a summer wedding.

Great article!

Mormon missionaries and managers at Arby’s.

This is a sound, well-thought out defense of unibody truck construction.

A hundred years ago an angry Austrian man didn’t get into art school and we got Hitler. Eighteen years ago an angry Austrian man got puked on. Dan, you’ve fucked us all.

Good dad, my ass. Look at how badly that kid’s missing his spots.

“Sounds to me like the work of corrupt Brazilian cops.” - Ryan Lochte

I miss Jack Kent Cooke.