Can we get Univision to shell out for an All Bears sub-blog now? Let some damn good come of this whole mess.

I can believe it. Any time I think I might be looking at sex it usually turns out that I’m watching my wife read a book.

“We commend Ishmael for not taking his frustrations out on another human like many of our athletes previously would have. This is another step in the right direction for Baylor athletics.” - new Baylor AD

A judge told the Times that making a false claim in Brazil was “not that serious” and “results in very little punishment.”

Ryan: “Mom can I have some more money?”
Mom: “What happened to all that money I gave you yesterday?”
Ryan: “I uh, spent it on hookers and dru...uuuuhhhh....we got robbed! By cops! They had guns!”
Mom: “OH MY GAWD RYAN! I’M CALLING THE FBI!”
Ryan: “Mom wait no...” [CLICK]

It was probably some kind of breaststroking that led to his freestyle story, but the butterfly effect of telling his mother is now causing him to go into full backstroke mode.

I think we should be more worried about this 4th swimmer who is attempting to swim all the way home

The Rio pool crew is reading this and is like, “Hey, just be glad the water’s not fucking green.”

Graphics: 1/10 - One racer just glitched straight through the steeple. Not realistic.

That’s certainly one way to face a hurdle.

Still, it’s better than Rob Ford cologne, which makes you smell like a crack house.

Tebow originally wanted to enter the shotput competition in Rio, but it required more accuracy than he was comfortable with.

How do we know the robbers were posing as police and not actually police?

Some people might think he’s making this up because he’s just so thirsty. But if he wasn’t robbed, how do you explain him being so scared his hair turned grey?

Yeah, you definitely shouldn’t wear jeans that convert to jorts.

If by “be white” you mean ‘be civil’, then yes. Guess what? People of other races can sue for false imprisonment too!

From now on, whenever the Falcons are eliminated from the playoff race, the top of Mercedes-Benz Stadium should open up and push out a 1000 brown balloons.

Personally, I found his tribute to Flight 370 incredibly touching.

You’re not wrong, my brain went to the same place. I figured they had some sort of falling out during a group sex situation and/or they were lovers and had a spat.

I would’ve thought that the fact that you don’t own a pool would’ve been the biggest reason not to have a pool boy, but I’m not one to judge...