Oh I don't know, sometimes "panties" is the perfect word.

ugh no - do not want! that sounds bloody uncomfortable..

What's, with all, the commas, E.L. James?

If there ever was a time to use "salacious language". Is it just me or does the phrase "front wall of my vagina" sound awkward?

My particular favorite thing to do whenever anybody brings this scene up is to envision the following: He only pulls on the string, right? And experience and/or a basic knowledge of physics will tell you that a sodden tampon is basically a pendulum with a fair bit of force behind it (because it takes a bit to get it…

Right, I mean, does his thumb rotate on a ball and socket joint? How is he managing example 2?

"not keeping his eyes off mine"?

I don't remember what chapter it was in, but there's a point where he says "I would never pressure you to do anything you didn't want to," and my eyes almost rolled out of my head. You do that 2-10 times every chapter.

Behold, the optimal result of an abstinence-only sex-ed curriculum: stunningly repressed women raking in billions a year for softcore porn novels so poorly composed they may actually have been accidentally pecked into existence by chickens eating seed spilled over a keyboard.

So that's where all the commas went! I've had a bunch on back-order for months!

I've never read any of the books, but I click each article too for the quotes. Those horrible written, horrendously funny quotes of the actual book that somehow got published without a editor in sight.

I guess I am woman-ing wrong.... and I've never once referred to myself? my vagina? my intestines as an "inner goddess"

I had that exact thought. Consider us sister-sluts. Oh my no, correction, sister sexy love makers.

Women also enjoy abusive partners who pull tampons out of them according to E.L. James so I'm sure this is also completely true.

I find "inner goddess" infinitely more painful than "down there," but it's all pretty dreadful.

I pretty much hated everyone by the end. Including myself.

"Classy and tasteful"?!

James says that she kept the books "coyly written" because "women don't like salacious slang she felt uncomfortable writing it."

"The fact is, it's a love story... that there's a little bit of kinky sex in there is an added bonus."

Allow me to depart from being level-headed to use some caps: