So, on Nikolai...

(Pausing to acknowledge how chic all of these names are.)

Serving person! Bring me a board of, erm, butter but add some shit to it and make it fancy-like and make sure to serve it on a horrifically unsanitary-looking wooden board that seems as healthy as a demon’s tampon! What? Yes, I want it with overpriced “heirloom” tomatoes sliced on top! Do I want a salad? A salad, you…

I can’t watch this series. I also refused to watch the recent series about Dennis Nilsen. Why? It’s not because the two monsters were gay - it’s because it’s too soon. Far too soon. Both Nilsen and Dahmer’s victims have living relations who don’t need this sort of exploitation. Yes, exploitation. It’s exploitation.

Sweetheart, I come from the land of the deep-fried mars bar and the deep-fried pizza.  We don’t need you exporting diabetes when we’re quite capable of getting there by ourselves!

Sweetheart, I come from the land of the deep-fried mars bar and the deep-fried pizza.  We don’t need you exporting diabetes when we’re quite capable of getting there by ourselves!

There are rumours that Olive Garden is planning to launch in the UK sometime in the near future. That would be a dark, dark day for Italian food in the UK in general. Well, mostly. Lord knows we have our own inbred contingent needing to feel classy whilst cramming a plate of cheapo pasta in a totally fictional…

In fact, LOL, you can even get them without the straw!

Yeah.  They’re shit.

My mother refused to buy Capri-Sun when I was a child. It was usually prefaced with a “I am not buying that shite!” before she threw in yet-another-carton of Scottish Blend (Scottish teabags, apparently made for Scotland’s lovely soft water. Yes, our taps/sinks/cludgies don’t have the limestone build-up that some get…

Well, c is for chlamydia!

Oh no, let’s not be coy here.  These two wastes of cum deserve to have their private lives dragged out.  Have at them.

They’re trying to change my country’s attitude towards abortion at this moment. A wee creepy “Christian” activist group - 40 Days For Life (sadly not a vampire film sequel) has threatened to take the Scottish government to court for daring to bring forward legislation that would impose buffer zones around hospitals…

Where’s my tiny violin?

By your command...(spoilers ahoy!)

“Aldhani makes for a great Star Wars planet, ably set in the Scottish Highlands. It all feels very earthy and real until we walk past a pen inhabited by four-horned sheep and it’s like, Oh right, this is an alien world.”

I will never fully understand the brain worms that this kind of conservative has.

“She’s a global treasure and she’s not even ours!”

Fuck, is he still alive? 

Yes, yes, yes, YES.  No, I’m not doing a discount Meg-Ryan-in-a-diner but yes, you’re right.