Eh, just give the waiting staff a cattleprod and a clear instruction that if the child fucks up, they’re to apply the business-end of the prod to the designated responsible adult.  Preferably in the balls.  

I remember watching this in the cinema in the early 00's and being absolutely blown away by this film - in particular the scene where Chihiro and her friends travel to go visit Zeniba. I went to see the film in the early evening, so there were a lot of families and young kids and what I can still remember was how still…

I think you can take your wee Yankee dictionary and cram it where the sun doesn’t shine, hen.  Oh god, you’re one of those fat fuds who come over to my country and LARP it up pretending you’re descended from Scottish royalty, right?  We’ve got a seppo!!!

There is no such thing as a “Scottish brogue” when it comes to linguistics. We have accents - more than three hundred at the last count. A brogue is a shoe, wee man.

“BOND!”

I’d kill for a Paloma film. de Armas is just so fun to watch.

Wonder if Tampax will want a shot...

Oh, Lil Nas X, you just have to make us fall more in love with you, don’t you, you adorable wee scamp! Hope he ordered them pineapple pizza with extra anchovies.

Ah, yes, Five Minute Crafts. The channel that is frequently debunked by Anne Reardon for their crap - and even lethal - “hacks”.  Do better.

We didn’t have such luxury as chicken scrotum burgers. What we had was one of the most horrifying cold meats I’ve ever had - and to this day, twenty-six years later I refuse to eat. I’ve even been known to scream blue murder at my sister for daring to put it on my nephew’s sandwiches. Ladies, gentlemen and creatures…

That must be one hell of a small cake Camilla’s making. In my family, my Gran’s Victoria Sponge is known as “The 225" because of the equal amounts of butter to sugar to flour (and all beaten up in her old Kenwood. It’s older than me but still in better condition). Also - Victoria Sponges when unadorned with fillings…

“Maroon 5 is practically elevator music at this point,”

Your source - who you clearly hacked this “article” from, Hattie - is wrong. Channel 4 was also not showing the funeral.

Oooh, I’d vote for Robertine Barry and Lotta Hitschmanova myself.  

What the hell are you blubbering on about, you diabetes-and-opioid-riddled backwash?  The trick is to stop huffing the glue once the buzz wears off, you know.  

Oh, Kady, my little Millennial whinge-muppet. You are aware that the British monarchy aren’t even on all of their own country’s currencies right? Please tell me you devoted as much attention to detail as...no. You obviously didn’t.

You’re partially correct...

Ah, Dogma. Also known as “That Film I Put On To Purposefully Piss Off My Uber-Catholic Cousin And Ruined Her Relationship With God”. Possibly one of the biggest - and nastiest (and yet hilarious and true) - bits was this...

What, there’s another male director that sloppy bottom loves to write shit about?  Heavens!

It’s a fucking fairytale, which means anyone can play the character. For the pathetic (and permanently virginal) Disney Purists: Disney’s The Little Mermaid is a sanitised, bleached version of the original fairytale (spoiler alert: she dies at the end) and I’d rather see an actress give it her all rather than watching…