I would have punted that wee hat-wearing freak over the side to the sharks for saying that.  Utterly cringe-inducing.

Oh, Showgirls. You rancid, tacky bastard of a film. You know, every year, on my sister’s birthday, we make a point of watching that film together. And yes, every time we watch it, we near piss-ourselves laughing at that pool scene. Obviously I can’t post it, but I sure as hell damned will post something visually…

I was sixteen when JLP came out. And almost immediately my Very Catholic Scottish High School banned it. I don’t think it was the reasonably-rude lyrics of You Oughta Know that pissed them off, but I know it was the fact that it was a woman laying into an ex-lover that scared them. And I remember the newspaper columns…

One of the best Post-Britpop bands to ever emerge, to be honest. Britpop was already in it’s death-throes by the time Fran and the boys shimmied along.

You know, if that fight scene took place on a Glaswegian bus, you can guarantee some wee Senga or wee granny would have stormed up to Mr Laser-fist and gi’en him lalldy.  

Maybe it gets bigger when he gets excited?

You get 5 out of 10 Nadine Coyles!!

The more I hear this, the more I think that recent claims made that White Girl Feminism is corrupt as shit are very, very true.  Wonder if, say, Hillary Clinton had been made VP and she did what Harris is doing, what the media would say then?

I don’t know if they sell them state-side, but Quorn’s Southern Fried Chicken burgers are one of my go-to’s for when I just cannot be bloody arsed cooking dinner. Fifteen minutes at 200, chuck it in a bun and slap on some decent hot sauce and salsa and you’re all set.

Believe me, it still goes on.  Whilst abortion is now legal in Northern Ireland, the stigma attached to it is still too great for some to deal with, sadly.  

I say more power to her.  Play the bastards at their own game, Miss Swift.

Ah, Adam “I’m just going to draw on myself with this here permanent marker” Levine.  Too skinny to be hot and too creepy to be sexy.  

You know what else is useful with critter-puke? Ambergris. It used to form the base for so many perfumes throughout antiquity right up to the modern day (when chemists discovered how to replicate it) Go look up any famous perfume through history and chances are you’ll come across ambergris.

Wasn’t there ancient honey from ancient Egypt found a few years ago that was still edible or something? Either way - honey is an amazing substance. I always remember being given cups of hot honey and lemon or hot toddies (hic) when I was younger and being told not to waste it “or the bees will be sad”.

You keep writing these articles, Robicelli, and we’ll keep reading them. This time of year can be hard on sober people, especially as the year draws to an end. I’m not sober myself (I live in the land of proper whisky, ffs!) but my boyfriend’s going on five years sober and I know how hard it can be. So, yeah, if…

In a decent world, if that prick walks off into the sunset, he would forevermore be living his life sleeping with one eye open and constantly looking over his back.  But wait, no, that’s not the world we’re living in.  If that failure of a human being walks, I can only hope he lives in interesting times for the rest…

So I found out last year that my boyfriend had never seen Home Alone or any of it’s sequels. I decided to sit him down one evening (twas during the lockdown, so we had plenty of time on our hands) and made him watch the first film. His reaction?

Dennis Lee is....Glitter Shit! 

“I don’t want a loose bubble. I want it tight. I want to when you open it up, and you get that first sip, it just tickles your tongue. Like little tiny elves dancing on the tip of your tongue.”

Flames! Flames....on the side of my face! THAT WAS COMPLETELY IMPROVISED!