similarly I like to use whole fruit popsicles to stir vodka with.

Who the hell let this happen?! who was supposed to be watching David right now huh? Patrick?!

My daughter is 14 and she isn’t perfect by any means. She has never disrepected me the way this girl disrepected her mom. She wouldn’t disrepect her sister like that. Or her father. Or another adult.

He forgot:

Ugh this feud is so boring and stupid I am not rooting for either of them. However, I will say that this “reason” from Katy Perry isn’t the exoneration she seems to think it is. Encouraging your dancers to take another job but telling them how to do it so they can quit halfway through and join hers is still shitty,…

This is like the CliffsNotes of everything you need to know about this guy.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Unless my Tinder date tonight turns out to be a better murderer than my Tinder date last night.”

i’m soooooooorrrrryyyyyyyy but when has daveed diggs EVER been underwhelming?

I feel like this is a story where we all agree to stay out of the greys.

We’re going to have a reminder of the good old times, when Barack Obama will have a discussion with Angela Merkel next week in Berlin.

*sniffs* I know how you feel. Now we must all be Lala for each other

“Does this mean we can start kicking Jews and coloreds out of our business establishments?”

There is a 0% chance that 45 doesn’t say something totally insane, even for him, on this trip. It is going to be long, boring, and he won’t be able to go golfing. He is going to be grouchy as a baby on a roadtrip with a dirty diaper.

First, Padre’s and Brewers are objectively good names.

Um, if it had nothing to do with the city, then why is the T-Rex short for Torontosauras Rex, idiot.

You’d think the Kimmel takes would win for hugest dicks in the mailbag, but lawncare bro made the race interesting.

I guarantee that dude hasn’t even noticed it. So much shit going on in his life, probably getting little to no sleep, and this dude thinks he’s out looking at leaves in his yard? GTFO

Yeah, I mean, if one of the main reasons you did a ‘nice’ thing was so someone could thank you for it, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons, and possibly not that nice.

The guy who expects a thank you for landscaping is a real asshole. Shut the fuck up, man. If you want a thank you, maybe do something helpful baby-wise, like adopt the kid and allow the parents to live normal lives.