My sister is the same way. She says it’s the texture. Does that help?

Food bullying is the worst. “Just try it. You’ll see!” Goddammit, I did try it. Twenty years ago. I hated it; it made me gag. Why would I eat it again?

My friend is deathly allergic to mushrooms. She has gone into anaphylaxis in restaurants because she’s been told, “Oh, that doesn’t have mushrooms in it,” and surprise, hidden in a sauce or a gravy, mushrooms. Or, a hundred times worse, “We can prepare that without mushrooms for you,” after she’s made it very clear…

When my son was much, much, younger, he would hand me his burger and ask me to perform “surgery” to scrape any bit of mayo of his burger if it came out with mayo (good luck sending it back and making a little kid wait for a new meal when the rest of the table has their food), “Mommy! Surgery!”

Human origami. He’s a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly.

I’m 52 at the end of the month and I’m a year out of chemo for ovarian cancer, so, yeah. Not cool with this. 

Au contraire! Here we have an emotional support duck, on a plane. :)

That was me!

Best reply possible

Good lord. Nobody ever died from sucking on a pacifier once in awhile, Doctor. He’ll be fine.

I just need to say, ‘transgran’ is adorable. 

You’re a monster. You still get a star, but... monster.

His ejaculate was probably dirty hot dog water. 

The president of people who fry Oreos and pickles

Everything Ivanka has was handed to her. She’s fucking despicable and the least self-aware person on earth. 

Jesus fuck...

Didn’t you hear? Ivanka says Americans want to work for what they get, so these employees must be living the dream at having to work super-extra-hard for so little. “We get to work second and third jobs to survive! Just like we wanted!”

Twinsies. 

That honestly broke me. I had to get a glass of water to stop cough/laughing. Amazing. 

The same way they denied a video of him saying he likes to sexually assault women.