When I went to rehab and was asked why I wanted to quit drinking, I answered, “Because it costs too much money and it’s making me fat.” Uhhhhhh, how about how it’s affecting your family and your relationships and your effectiveness as an employee? “Nah. Don’t care. Too much money. Makes me fat. Let’s get going.”

There is nothing about this story that isn’t perfect.

Congratulations on your book deal. That really is awesome.

Riddle me this, neighbour: The warm wool hat we wear in the winter, is it a beanie or is it a toque?

I’m embarrassed to say I’m familiar with it because Oprah did a show years ago in which the audience was split prior to taping, blue-eyed over here, everyone else over there. Friends sat apart from one another; family members left each other; groups were separated.

I’m pretty sure my son would say the same thing about me :)

You are fucking fantastic.

Nah, it’s not. I’m Canadian; we do the same thing. And whomever ended up with the box would probably buy the other guy a beer.

I like the cut of your mom’s jib.

There is a huge difference in the cognitive abilities of fourth graders and tenth graders. Sixteen-year-olds can understand it’s a demonstration of historical injustice. Ten-year-olds would just know their friends are getting candy, special attention and are treating them like shit for no apparent reason, while their…

Pfft! Reading. Too hard. This learn ‘em.

Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Had that been my kid’s class, this little Canadian town of mine would still be talking about the night the prairie school burned. You poor kids! Your teacher was an idiot.

Nooooooooooo! That is some strange cheese.

Princess Valhalla Hawkwind would have run him over on her pink Vespa.

Mal: ‘Bad’ in the Latin*

That’s too bad. I get roasts, sausage, ground meat, duck breasts and other assorted goodies from all my hunting friends’ freezers in exchange for babysitting, dogsitting, help around the house, what-have-you. Venison jerkey is delicious, smoked duck breast will melt in your mouth and cabbage rolls with ground moose…

Don’t come to rural Southern Alberta. Most of the people I know hunt (deer, moose, ducks, the occasional bison; all for food). And most of them have a few trophies on the wall. I hardly notice it anymore.

They lie in wait. It’s their whole lives.

since the inception of Bust magazine in the 90's