Yeah I got two. Two produce enough poop and pee for me, thanks.

Cats are the worst.

I’m definitely not afraid of looking my age - but I am afraid of looking afraid to look my age.

It’s okay, the number one cause of aging is getting older, and we all suffer from that.

Try harder

Christine Ouzounian sounds like the human equivalent of Amazon feedback emails; you buy a three -pack of tube socks and you get sixteen follow ups on them. How was the packaging? How did you like them? how many stars would you give them? Would you write a review of them?

Uma Thurman rescues rhinos now. What do you do with your life?

I can’t hate (or even greatly dislike) this man. Every time I try, I remember the nerd who did the Kevin Smith movies and all is forgotten.

And gang rape each other. They are truly the humans of the sea.

Tyga may be “Stimulated,” but his wealth is simulated.

“When Michelle and I came into office....”

Is it still eyeliner when it touches your cheek?

I know I’m getting married soon, but y’know - if that all falls through, it’s nice to know that Colin Farrell gives good head.

For a second I thought “this will seem so gross to her 10 years from now when she’s older/(hopefully)wiser and he’s just some idiot ex-boyfriend and she hears it on the radio.”

And “stimulated” just has to be the least sexy word ever. *barfing forever*

I just...

oh i had no idea they were dating

Okay, so, once I got done throwing up in a corner, I have some concerns. Does everyone just stop caring that she’s underage because she’s famous? Are we ready to admit the Kardashian family is pretty sick? Their mother seems to take joy in the fact their claim to fame is sex tapes and duck face.

i would be straight destroying lawns if I were a californian right now. im in Oregon, we do ok, and my lawn has been dead hay brown all summer. Conserve, be responsible! whats thr best way to take out a lawn- a big truck?