Christmas Eve, I think I was about 12 or 13, and my sister was driving us down our rural highway to a family friend’s Christmas party. Out my window, I spotted a large smoldering boulder, maybe about 4 or 5 feet in diameter, pretty spherical in shape. There’s smoke rising from it, like it was burning from within. The…

And here I thought she’d shut down ahead of all the angry people demanding she fix their jammed-full-of-towel-charms washer/driers, or the class action lawsuit on behalf of all the kids that undoubtedly gnawed on the lead and cadmium riddled trinkets and then choked.

Alms for the poor?

You can get pregnant if you use somebody else’s towel on your special places.

Aren’t you forgetting Fred Trump? I’m pretty sure he’s the man most directly responsible for Donald Trump.

“I put lipstick on a pig,” Schwartz told Mayer of his role in legitimizing Trump.

It starts with sharing beach towels, the next thing you know you’re baking wedding cakes for the gays.

I still have my Dalmations towel. Still very proud of it cause the Dalmations were the shit.

or,

Well, for one thing, you typically leave your towel on a particular chair. Even if you can’t tell which towel is yours, most people can remember where they were sitting.

Absolutely correct! My older cat, Rocker, just gets a little grumpy if his evening wet food is forgotten, but his tiny doppelganger climbs curtains, people, and seemingly flat walls when wet food is not presented early enough in the evening for his liking. The little tuxie, MooFooey, he would DEFINITELY…

Booboo! You rogue! I thought I was...special...!

You are funny, and I like you.

Careful with those terroisty-looking cat wranglers you got working for you. They know how to seduce cats with promises of eternal life and 72 virgin pussies (Pussycats. Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Right? My family had a very diverse variety of beach towels, most of them from cheap tourist shops.

I have so much hair and it gets caught in everything. I can’t even imagine how painful it would be to have one of those dumbass charms either rip out my hair or get stuck in it.

“Handmaid’s Tale”

People grab other people’s towels because theirs are wet.

Serena Joy’s Prayer Charms

And don’t us regular folk just use a bathroom towel that had bleach somehow spilled on it as a beach towel?