“Previous attempts at having the road’s 40 mph speed limit lowered have failed.

My wife tries to quit drinking coffee once a year or so until I remind her that I have the best divorce lawyer in the state on retainer.

I separated my shoulder just watching that first one. Yikes.

The real solution is stop doing gender reveal parties. I just read that some people have paid up to $25,000 for them. The whole concept is fucking stupid.

What happened to bear Friday? Or did that thing eat the bear?

Reservations.

Yourself scarce.

False. Rosenbloom’s schtick has long been complete fucking idiocy that, once pointed out, he claims was sarcasm when in reality he was being 100% serious. Rosenbloom is a shitheel, plain and simple

“See guys? Not so easy keeping two sets of books,” -Bernie Madoff.

Could someone just paste the list in text form? Fuck’s sake, it’s Monday.

There’s also a much bigger issue at play, which is that nobody has tried to do what Ohtani is doing in over a century.

What’s a bonus? At my job it’s pronounced bone us.

Well, they are no longer blue jeans for sure.

I think that a pair of jeans were fatally injured in that crash, just sayin’.

United Airlines: “I’ll get you one there as soon as possible”

I’d rather have the flight delayed, and then canceled, and then the pilot quits, and then the airline goes out of business, and then the airport shuts down, and then all flights are grounded, and then humans lose the knowledge necessary for mechanical flight, than be on a barf plane.

To be fair, you would probably have no idea what it costs to gas up a private jet.

I’ve read the synopsis of A Serbian Film but can’t ever imagine sitting through it. Knowing someone’s brain was fucked up enough to write that thing is enough for me. Actually that’s not entirely true, I’ve seen the final scene where the family is huddled in bed together. Ugh ugh ugh.

How to survive a job that sucks in an economy that also sucks: