The Grandma Utz that are fried in lard, yes? We can’t get this in WI, so my mom sends them to me on my birthday from VA.

Albert: Would you do murder over apple pilfering, or just citrus?

Please stop trying to mimic the Deadspin writers’ style guide. [Insert sport name] guy does something. So and so hit’s so and so in the dick-and-balls.

Don’t give me props. It’s the quote. You don’t alter a quote. It’s not like I’m in favor of using the word or using it to fight the liberal establishment.

Also, don’t buy a car for a teenager. Or lend a car to a teenager. Or let a teenager get a license.

Crystal Skulls doesn’t count in my book. Like the three Star Wars prequels.

I hope they enjoy their union pay scale and seniority based layoffs once content turns to crap because they can’t attract new talent.

I had tears in my eyes laughing at this over lunch.

This speaks volumes about millennials. Very loud, very sad, very loud volumes. Also, loud volumes.

You, my friend, are unfamiliar with a place we like to call “Wisconsin”.

I’ll take “Sarcasm” for $1000, Alex.

“Gone... sealed off, brick-by-brick. We’ll have us a little book barbecue in the yard. They’ll see the flames for miles. We’ll dance around it like wild Injuns! You understand me? Catching my drift?... Or am I being obtuse?”

Bastards! They’ve already stolen your “.” key!

FTFY. Also: “Something, something, something, unions”. 

Normally, I’d be the first to jump on the “stick to sports” wagon, but:

I for one am shocked, SHOCKED, that a man bearing this moniker would be guilt of such a heinous crime.

Does it pair well with meat dicks?

It’s funny ‘cause he’s Republican! I get jokes.

“I feel sorry for the beautiful Protestant girls, they’re doomed. That’s what the priests tell us. Outside the Catholic Church there is no salvation. Outside the Catholic Church there is nothing but doom. And I want to save them. Protestant girl, come with me to the True Church. You’ll be saved and you won’t have the…