Dearest kirsten,

PENNIES ARE EXPENSIVE. A gun only costs a couple hundred dollars.

Bill Clinton had the enate and congress for the first couple years of his first term.

Marzipan, that big goof, keeps me going during these dark times. Tell me, is she named after the almond paste or the character from Homestar Runner?

Are you American? -if not, I must tell you that A LOT of us don’t feel that we’re at the top.

I was never a vegan but when I was a vegetarian I would just bring veggie burgers with me to every dinner. Sometimes I needed them, sometimes I didn’t. If I were a vegan, I would DEFINITELY bring veggie burgers with me to every dinner. Especially since people who don’t usually cook vegan may accidentally use butter or…

I usually spend my time calling Cory Gardner’s office to tell his poor put upon staff that their boss is a pathetic asshole. I guess today I have to write him a thank you letter.

I don’t like her husband, but she did look great at the inauguration. That coat was devine.

It’s a real sign of the times that when I believed your initial statement for a second I was annoyed. “Trump doesn’t give a shit about poor people, why is he pretending “

They should ask North Korea for help. KJU might give it just to be spiteful.

Cool it.

MAKE FUN OF BUTCH PATRICK AGAIN. I fucking dare you.

I doubt we will invade Canada. Unless you mean the flood if illegal American immigrants who are willing to put up with people calling hats “tukes” and getting their milk in bags.

“My dad’s dead so EVERYONE should have a dead dad”- Paul Ryan, probably.

I feel for Manchin, but we still need him out.

Fuck you! KFC is part of the economy!

*Tax Cut Bill, leaning against a wall in a dimly lit alley*- They call me tax cut bill. They used me to defeat Hill. But the joke’s on them. I don’t help anyone. *takes drag off cigarette * Also my wife’s dead.”

What neck? His chin connects seamlessly to his hollow chest.

Pretty sure W put a fork in an outlet, then pretended he choked on a pretzel.

I’m not sure where, but I remember seeing people pissed at Lauer at the time for the way he treated clinton. I am almost sure Sam Bee talked about it, as well as Seth Meyers and Trevor Noah.