I have zero scary stories because every time anything gets remotely spooky I nope out, or grab a cricket bat and DEAL WITH IT. I will not be the queer who always dies in a horror movie.

They moved the artisanal oxygen to aisle 4, next to the quinoa

Why can’t women just be satisfied with these consolation prizes we gave them!

You missed the part where she drew hearts and “TOTAL HOTTIE [flames]” all over Jaime’s page.

Within two years we will have close to 400 miles built or under construction & keeping our Country SAFE – not easy when the Dems are always fighting to stop you!

i’m surprised they didn’t think to call her articulate.

“I was given directives, part of which I could follow but part of which I could not, and that was handing them over to the trustees,” he said. “I moved them elsewhere on campus where they could not be released. It’s the only time I ever moved an alumnus’s records.”

My approval rating is 100%, as found in a recent poll of people currently wearing my undies.

Orange juice is not very keto. You should avoid fruit like oranges and bananas and such, because of the sugar.

Incredible how one can miss rice more than sugary treats, but I do too. I love my thai food with rice. Sushi as well.

Yeah, when people quit heroine they go through a bunch of withdrawals too. Their bodies must not want them to stop heroine. By your logic, doing heroine must be better for them than not doing heroine. The “Keto Flu” isn’t caused by what you started eating, it’s caused by withdrawal from what you stopped eating…

I like shower foreplay, but when it gets right down to the main event, I want more traction than a wet shower can provide.

“Or hell, shower sex is great.”

Also another misconception. Our bodies go through ketosis all of the time when we aren’t eating. During the 8 or so hours that you are sleeping, you are fasting and your body is burning fat to sustain itself. This is why you maintain your current weight when you eat the right amount of calories. All keto does is put…

I am doing keto to try to heal my body from the damage done by diabetes. It is working. After 4 months, my Aic is in normal range, my cholesterol/triglycerides are sliding back into normal ranges. My doctor is super pleased. Even my nurse-Practitioner daughter gave me a begrudging, but somewhat proud, “Good work,…

My husband and I eat keto and there haven’t been any complaints. On the other hand, I feel great and all of my bloodwork is stellar so I’ll go without the pasta, myself.

Am I the only one that almost breaks his mouse-wheel when scrolling past the fuckface-in-chief’s tweets?

“Suffragette? She’s that blue chick that lives in the village with Papa, Brainy, Jokey, right? Totally an 8, needs a bit more up top.”

I mean, not to mention that this country was explicitly built using the land we stole from American Indian folks, and using the labor of Black slaves. You don’t get the freedom to, like, experiment with light bulb filaments if you have to go out and till the land for sustenance.

You’re just not reading it right. Of course, if you look at all the words, it sounds batshit crazy. But if you start and stop in the right place, it’s perfectly accurate: