That’s the sweet spot.

I feel great, my man. As good as Carlos Marmol? No, but then again, who does?

I sincerely apologize to those in and around the game of hockey, who have been affected by my situation,

J.J. Watt would have stayed after practice to catch balls from his cellphone.

I was in line for coffee the other day and the person in front of me leaned in to his friend and said, “I really think Shea McClellin is going to shock a lot of people this year.” It was the most quintessentially Chicago thing I’d heard all week. REMEMBER WHEN CALEB HANIE WAS GONNA STRAIGHT TEAR IT THE FUCK UP,…

It sounds like an exaggeration, but I’m almost certain that we did, in fact, set a modern NFL record for most points given up in consecutive weeks. But will anything ever stab your soul like week 17, Soldier Field, 4th and 8 at midfield and Rodgers hits Cobb for the winning TD while Chris Conte was, I dunno, busy…

I’m not going to try to defend the Bears and their approach to drafting, but I got the impression that he meant there was enough talent on the team to win if used correctly. Would you really argue with that?

Matt Forte, Alshon Jeffrey, Brandon Marshall, Bennett and Kyle Long on offense last season. You can win with a…

Insulting? To whom? Like...asses? Or people who have never watched cable TV in their adult lives?

What didn’t work: Adam Goddamn Sandler.

Harry Styles can try as hard as he fuckin’ wants, but Pat Benatar wore it better.

Or you could, you know, read down further.

But to slake your righteous thirst for, you know, actual comments: it wasn't clear that it was a rape investigation when I made the first post, and now I'm uncomfortable having joked about it.

I have a burning urge to see my words in the comment section of a blog; it’s the only way I know to give meaning to life in this crazy world where people with confusing references to Carlos Marmol in their name get indignant with me on the internet.

Awwww shit fire up those old cab driver jokes because they just got a new lease on life, boys!

From Tawwmmy’s golden ahrm? It’d kill the em.

Retirement, Day 1: Tom Brady goes on a coke bender and beats a pool store employee to death with a perfectly inflated football because they don’t carry white pool covers.

I think it would be really lovely if we added a colon and changed the title to The Bible: Essentially a huge, paternalistic Burn Book in which some very old dudes wrote a bunch of hateful things about people they didn’t like or understand.

See, this raises the question of what’s the best fantasy incarnation of an actual city? I just rewatched AKIRA, so its hyperkinetic version of Tokyo looms large in my head right now.

Gronk is the country version of Gronk. He is all things and yet indivisible.

Don’t we all kind of want Wes Welker to stop for his own health? Wes, it’s cool; we like you and you can just do Molly and go to horse races for the rest of your life.