Well, first of all, through God all things are possible, so jot that down.

It’s amazing how that 30-minute guarantee persisted as a myth even into the late 2000s. Maybe “Aqua Teen” doing a Mooninites joke about it kept the dream alive.

God forbid Romney legislate state healthcare policy less awful than the alternatives that was socialist on nothing but paper only for the GOP to blame the whole deal on a Black man until now.

Oh, no, Mr. Barsanti — not the snark! Anything but the snark!

Guess who else had become “increasingly isolated throughout the coronavirus pandemic?” Basically every American not holding an essential job.

Food poisoning can cause delirium, but I think you’d have to be really desperate in order to describe the effects as “being high.”

Whoa, John Ennis! He’s almost completely unrecognizable from the “Mr. Show” days.

I will go see this movie only if it contains hot merging action.

Ah, yes, the first Stew — a cautionary tale of why you do not fuck with Weights and Measures.

Yeah, his podcast is much funnier than the show’s been for a while now, so you didn’t miss a whole lot. I think you could tell that Conan was getting tired of the format, especially the perfunctory promo tour interviews, and my guess is that’s a big part of why he started doing the “Conan Travels” pieces.

Seriously. You could do this with a $4 boxed cake mix. They crank that stuff out in such volume that no single consumer is wasting any appreciable amount of food by baking one cake intended to be destroyed, and it’s not like the baby’s gonna have a gourmand’s discerning palate and turn their nose up at Duncan Hines.

I know they’re fairly effective at preventing COVID-19 transmission, but something about a cop wearing a gaiter just pisses me off. It screams “unprofessional.”

I hate it when bugs in a website interfere with my bug chasing.

No, this is awesome.

Speaking from my recent thrifting, I’ve found numerous older Lands’ End and Levi and old Old Navy shirts and flannels and sweaters for about five bucks apiece, not counting. Super durable articles for less than you’d pay at a fast fashion outlet, and the Goodwill racks hadn’t been raided for those pieces even in the…

Do Wheaties and Wheaties royalties still exist in this alternate timeline? Because that probably would be a giant factor.

Oh, then you’ll love the active shooter training local departments pay PMC contractors to put their cops through. They give the patrol officers paintball rounds for their rifles and set them loose in a simulated school shooting, and it is fucking terrifying.

That’s the most troubling bit.

I’ve always thought Chalamet’s jaw looked like the unholy union of a Silly Putty container and a flathead screw, but maybe that's in this summer.

My favorite poop joke on the show is when Bob and Louise are dressed up as pickles and both finally overcome their mutual fear of pooping in public, and Bob says, “It wasn’t great. It took me a long time to get the suit off, and it didn’t end where I wanted it to end."