Jesus, I’m glad I’m not a server anymore. All of these benevolent folks looking out for my best interest would be destroying my income. 

Phormerly phiending for the Philly Phanatic Phallus?

It’s not that hard. If you’re on the highway and you’re not ACTIVELY passing other cars, just fall in to the right lane.

Oh man, I loved Charleston so much, but I’m not sure I can offer any specific reasons why or things we did, except one. Poogan’s Porch was one of the best meals I’ve ever eaten.

Those and the “I took it out of the box, threw away the directions, assembled it wrong, hit it with a hammer, my toddler pushed it down the stairs and I submerged it in the pool and this piece of crap didn’t even work for more than 2 hours.” ones.

Probably one of the other nerd culture podcasters turned moguls that are out there. Hardwick seems like a real peach who doesn’t have any insecurities that would lead to this kind of behavior, and definitely doesn’t seem like the “Me First” type that would be a controlling dickwad...nope, not at all.

Fuck you, cancel my subscription.

Never been to Indianapolis, eh?

This part of town on nice weekend afternoons draws a pretty big biker crowd that can need some calming down.

It’s not, it’s in Broad Ripple.

As a former resident of the part of Indianapolis this is in, and a former patron of this establishment, and someone who at one point knew several of the door guys, bartenders etc. at this restaurant. This is very unlikely to be racism.

Fuck Honeydew eternally, also Cantaloupe, I enjoy 90% of fruit, but if I see a fruit salad with either of those monsters in there, I ain’t touching it. Why? Because somehow those two melons make event the fucking grapes taste like melon, they’re the terrorists of the fruit world.

One thing you can be 100% certain of, the server isn’t making the decision to do this. Servers find this process as awkward as everyone else.

If your purchase is a 2015 Whatever with a synthetic cork, you’re totally ok to wave off the stupid song and dance, there’s little to no chance that bottle could be atmospherically bad. In reality, you’re always ok to wave off the stupid song and dance, your server doesn’t want to be standing there awkwardly while Bob…

Just so we’re clear...Portnoy wrote this for some non-regional dialect rube to call in and read to you...right?

Jesus, these meat smoking enthusiasts and thier low and slow bullshit are getting out of hand

God I hate when sports writers chime in at the worst possible moment and decide someone sucks all at once, my beloved Reds have sucked all season, I’ll have you know.

Not Hot Dog.

My King Soopers self checkout loudly announces to put your “ONIONS” in the bag, after you select the code and weigh them. Not that I believe the kid helping the elderly lady understand that she has to keep the shit in the bag until the end would notice, but it might serve as some level of deterrant.