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I’m sorry about your vagina and I don’t wanna make it worse for you but...I figure if I’m riding it, I won’t have to look at him. And who knows, maybe he has a hot body.

Who’s getting worked up? There’s no one getting worked up. The media’s getting everyone worked up. Sad.

I assure you, when I am President, everyone’s death will be swift, painless, and immediate upon my inauguration.

I cannot WAIT to hear their responses to the backlash.

Hmm. I am pretty divided. Yes, I can point to a couple things I’ve written where I simply became tired of fighting an editor even though I knew I was right or a piece became something I never wanted it to be and the framing was all wrong. When you find “the one” — the editor who inspires you and gets what you’re…

It's kinda odd that someone finally gets in trouble for sending an unsolicited dick pic and it's a woman, huh?

Okay, I have officially reached my Jessica Alba Saturation Point. The header photo here is what turned the corner, for some reason. She’s never been much of an actress, but I found her inoffensive enough, until this very minute. She is now on my I Just Hate Her Face list.

If they have SLS in them, why don’t they actually get things clean?

Andre Dice Clay’s organic free-range lube ain’t bad, now in the convenient fifty-five gallon drum.

It’s like that scandal where homeopathic remedies were found to have active ingredients in them, and the whole organic community was mad that they were buying functioning products instead of useless crap.

“I knew a person who had it hard and persevered, so your hardship means nothing!”

Sexually propositioning a woman and her mom at a stoplight?

My step-dad, who likes college basketball better than the NBA because they “try harder” and “play for pride” (so he’s like frozen caveman basketball fan from 1978) - always asks me why NBA teams don’t put on the full-court press for long stretches because college kids do. I have to calmly explain:

If they can’t have any poc actors

I once met an anti-vaxxer who “didn’t believe” in modern medicine or drugs of any kind, refused to vaccinate her 3 kids, etc.

Based on yesterday’s unfortunate news, we know it’s definitely no longer the bassist’s wife..

Step 1. Don’t.

I’m no fan of Tom Brady, but I don’t have an opinion to put here after that statement.