That's not what Alex Jones has been telling me on his radio show…
looks over, sees radio is unplugged and covered in dust

Stop it, I can only get so hard before losing consciousness.

My mom already let's me use her basement, you really think she's gonna give me $500 to go hang out with more weirdos like me?

Wouldn't mind Annapurna Pictures having a shot at Bond.
Their track record has been strong so far.

Listening to this (and Humble, and King Kunta, and Backseat Freestyle, and MAAD City, and….) makes me actually feel cool.

I could never do that to Ken Griffey, Jr.

But who brought the lawsuit, Blackboard Glenn Beck or Bespectacled Glenn Beck?

I know you're not supposed to judge something you haven't tried, but that sounds fucking disgusting.
I mean… $4 a cup?!?

Jan Favreau, director of Iron-Woman?

It's like he's the love child of a drunken frat boy impersonating Hunter S. Thompson and a "Keep Austin Weird" t-shirt who was then left alone in a dark basement for the first 12 years of his feral life where he was then adopted by a conspiracy theorist Grand Wizard.

Were all these celebrities really voted "Least Likely to Succeed" or do they think it just sounds good to claim that?

To me the speech didn't feel right, flow-wise, in this episode.

Univision was forced to fire their copy editors in order to purchase more of that Delicious Sizzlin' Hormel Black Label Bacon.

I, too, prefer to live the contrarian life.

Why did President Trump hire Saddam Hussein as his interior decorator?
Because money =/= taste and Trump loves gooooold.

Adolfo? The pizza maker?

I hardly think dating an older woman qualifies as time travel…

Holocaust Center…
o boy

Disney should just purchase the Hellboy rights and green-light the third film.
Boom, problem solved.

Fuck United Comcast.