Hmm, I have no problem with talking about a fake dick. I think fake dicks are very funny and worth talking about, actually! My problem is when in doing so, you characterize attempted rape as “seduction.”

If stupid dogs would just do what they were told...

I love how republicans tell the rest of us to grow up, but then they take time out of their super important jobs to weight in on a college election that doesn’t really matter.

Find yourself someone who looks at you like Lin Manuel Miranda looks at everybody.

Having spent 7 years working in a steakhouse, I can attest that there are exactly two kinds of adults who eat steak like this:

Who tells a stranger she has “nice skin?”

Mrs. Pence seemed to be unavailable for comment...

Single mothers?! Lesbians with children ?!! Stay at home dads?!!!!

No problem - as soon as we legislate that:

Major Dad is not a major, heh, character. Also, he is Mr. Delta Burke. #BoomRightNextToYouInThe80s

You’d think Duke would have more compassion for Evans during his time of need (call me, Chris).

Attention world:

And I thought it was bad when my dad threatened to punch the priest at my rehearsal dinner. I now realize we were rank amateurs in the wedding fiasco game.

To be fair, we all wish that

more like Justin TruDON’T YOU TRY YOUR PRIMITIVE ALPHA DOMINANCE DISPLAY ON ME YOU CRUSTY ORANGE POTATO I’LL DESTROY YOU WITH MY INTELLECT AND CHARM amirite?

This is so deliciously good.

I am sure Trudeau wishes he could be hanging out on Richard Branson’s island with Obama instead of guest starring on the Political Apprentice.

Thank you for advertising mental health non-profits!