Her worldview is identical to the parent of a bully who doesn't believe their little angel would ever do such a thing, except writ large.

I bet her kids are insufferable.

It's not that white people don't get to talk about race. It's that ignorant white people no longer get a pass for saying ignorant shit or get to play the victim when called out for saying ignorant shit. This is a good thing, and will improve racial discourse.

"we're the people who eagerly consume scrapple, so it says something when a food is too horrifying for us to touch."

Scrapple is made from easily identified parts of the pig - head, liver, and heart - plus cornmeal. It's a damn sight healthier for you and uses better meat than your average breakfast sausage. I'll…

Note to readers: Be careful when evaluating the content of that link. "No open container law" simply means that an open container of alcohol, by itself, is not an offense. It DOES NOT mean you can drink while driving. This is a clarification, not a criticism.

It's pretty easy to scroll past this without clicking on it.

"Just be happy with plain old coffee, America."

I think Drew just outed himself as the Psycho "Normal" Coffee Guy.

Care to explain why you're constitutionally incapable of recognizing illustrative hyperbole?

Yeah, the Tang/'tang joke.

Police officers got angry that someone did something utterly non-criminal, but which they perceived as insufficiently respectful, so now they're demanding that the people be severely punished.

That sounds familiar, somehow.

There's an asterisk in the poop story, after the sentence asserting that the cop let him off with a warning, that appears not to have any footnote attached to it. I so enjoyed that story that I was really hoping for a nice bit of further detail. Instead, my Thanksgiving is ruined. Thanks, Drew.

Turkey on the smoker with apple and pecan wood, dressing that doesn't come from a bag or a box, and by-god buttery-ass gravy made with a shitload of drippings.

No, it's not mocked. The plain words of the piece evince confusion, but that's not mockery. The dick-tective jokes at the end are a little much, but it's not mockery of anything other than the police's inability to figure out what happened. It certainly can't be said to be mockery of the victim with a straight…

The violence is described as "horrific" right there in the first paragraph.

It's just your classic story of a QB who had a middling season end in a miraculous run to the playoffs, only to let the fanbase down afterwards.

Except when it was Tim Tebow, everybody in the media kept yelling that he was a "winner" because of his college record and the one playoff run, and nobody shut up about how…

Well, you never get a hangover because you're constantly consuming alcohol 24 hours a day, 365 days a year in that scenario.

If a competent person ever takes over this team, not only will the hangover come crashing down, but everyone will drop dead like Amy Winehouse.

Yes, this exactly.

So you mean facial, neck, or hand tattoos, then? You should be more specific when you're calling people "low-class" or "low-status" for being inked. You probably still won't get much love for proposing that limitation to your earlier statement, but at least you'll be saying something plausible.

Princeton. I picture everyone at Princeton walking around in Princeton sweaters. Do they all do that? I bet they do.

They do, and it does not stop when they leave campus. 90% of their friends also went to Princeton, and so one or more of them will invariably have a large, felt banner featuring "Princeton Class of…

"Ntephe actually spent weeks preparing for the interview with girlfriend Marie Akendengue, even drilling her on questions and making sure she knew exactly what she was going to say."

This sentence makes me think it's a budding abusive relationship.

You mean with their son? Sure.

You mean storming out of the house like a petulant child to drown your sorrows in alcohol? No, probably not.