Say hello to your new spokesperson: “We dress like students, we dress like housewives, or in a suit and a tie. I’ve changed my hair color, so many times now, I don’t know what I look like. Hi I’m David Byrne for Clairol.”

I wonder if 21st century hackneyed, up-selling headline writers will ever be able to revert back to normal, non-sensational writing.

Yankee fans booing is like hearing some snot-nosed toddler doing that obvious “HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME” fake-crying. especially when that entitled little shit has 25+ world championships.

Rubio ‘16: Thirsty For Victory. And Delicious Vitamin Water.

More importantly, has anybody ever accused Marco Rubio’s mom of cheating on his dad with John Astin?

I’ve been out of Houston too long; didn’t realize legendary broadcaster Milo Hamilton (who had the most famous call of Hank Aaron’s 715th while with the Braves) passed away a few weeks ago at age 88, hence the MH patch. Listening to him in the 80s/90s on the radio was like having your own portal to the past.

I imagine he’s in a horse-drawn cage, with Scott Boras in a Child-Catcher outfit cackling maniacally about respecting the innings limit.

Finally, somebody cracked the GOP hypocrisy code*✟!

Additional anecdote-based generic quasi-serious solipsistic retort!

Defense: (quadruple teams Graham) Go ahead and beat us

For an Amendment supposedly protecting all of other other rights (voting, unreasonable searches, bodily autonomy, free speech zones), the 2nd is sure doing a shit-poor job.

“Never Fool The QB”

I was as down on this club the last 3-5 years as any person could be, starting with rat-man Bud Selig forcing our move to the AL as a condition of sale to a war profiteer (who dumped everything while making sweet lucre from a shitty pre-exsting TV deal), while keeping his interloper Brewers in the NL.

My clickbait video’s breath smells like clickbait video food.

I’m just hoping the Seahawks and their go-nowhere offense miss the playoffs so we won’t have to see Chris Berman fake-struggle to remember this incident by intoning HMMMMMMM for 6 solid minutes

“Get your jump on the impending Handmaid’s Tale dystopia with this charming little number!”

This is just like the end to Willie Mays’ career, assuming Mays stayed with the Giants, actively sabotaged young stars like Bobby Bonds, and everybody hated Willie Mays.

Kevin Durant menaced by mystery 6’9” assailant, thought to be Smith on Bayless’ shoulders, concealed by large trenchcoat.

True to brand loyalty, Stephen A Smith is instigating a beef by being a little jerk-y

Not until they scour the country for the wordsmith to write the Tweet-length “Root for the Astros,” hopefully before the wild card game starts tomorrow.