To someone like that, just ask, “If God’s greatest creation is this earth, do you really think he will reward you for helping to destroy it?”

The point is to do something. Voting is the bare minimum.

Pope Lenny would’ve sent them to Alaska.

“Mom, Dad, Mom, and Mom, why did you name me after heaven twice?”

Bumblebeetuna...your (chin)balls are showing.

I forgot that History Channel programming used to contain information. Huh.

After the game, Oklahoma City “Energy” celebrated with a little fracking so they could have an earthquake party.

Is there a nice, safe, really fun farm, far from the city, where he can take Curt Schilling along, where they can both roam and play and do whatever they want with each other’s microphones?

Any advice on how best to do a throw-up?

“...if they went both ways”—especially if he was both a tight and defensive end, this would explain a lot of the present.

Get behind me, fastball.

When I think about rich, white, men who can help me understand the value and intricacies of supporting diversity at important public institutions that have historically excluded many different demographic groups, I think of one man...there’s the one man...uh....well, there’s one, and its...uh...oops...

When your name is Rex, you do what you want. Just ask T.

You provide me the pictures, and I’ll provide you the ninth-inning rally.

How you gonna get ‘em back on the farm after they’ve seen Karl Hungus?

Then maybe we would eat less, be less obese, have less diabetes, heart and coronary artery disease...oh wait, no, let’s walmart the shit out of meat.

Harbaugh knows that the term “mankind” has been superseded by “humankind” in order to be gender-neutral in discussions of humanity as a whole. Thus, the statement about enthusiasm unknown to “mankind” prior to a colonoscopy is intended to deconstruct male fears of anal penetration as emasculating, if not gay-making,…

My only solace in this is that, if we survive the planet’s fever, this testimony will take its place right next to that of the tobacco industry CEO’s that nicotine was not addictive in the 90's—when science had long since proved it addictive.

“That ambulance ride that I would’ve gotten to the hospital would’ve been so freaking free if I had only had a phone to call the ambulance with on the side of the road here where I’m currently dying...so free...would’ve been awesome...”

When you view nature as ‘self’ rather than ‘other’, there is no such thing as “Getting Face Impaled by Tree Branch.” There is only “a new piercing.”