Apparently, you haven’t heard the bible preached at you (I mean, none of those shits have read it). The Evangelical Audio Book (tm) correctly tells them that Jesus spent 98% of his words teaching the Two Sacred Truths.

Laugh now, but this guy is eventually gonna figure out a way to have sex with those girls on PornHub, and we’ll be calling him the Thomas Edison of the 21st century.

Penis: COAXIAL CABLE

“SWALLOWED A PEN BECAUSE NO ONE PAID ATTENTION TO HIM”

Nah, Pence is just back there using 99.9% of his brainpower trying to convince himself that he’s straight.

And that’s only if you’re white. Anyone of color will have to enter through the service door around back.

For anyone concerned about how this might affect his future career prospects, not to worry because, beginning December 20th, Larry Nassar will be the new US Senator from Alabama! So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.

“RESPECT THE TROOPS!”

So you’re having Nunavut.

Luckily for Native Americans those racially insensitive headlines were quickly replaced by the biggest mass murder in US history.

“Coach, we really have a chance to bruise their backs and genitals here..”

And in fact he was a lousy soldier, graduating at the bottom of his Annapolis class (which means flunking calculus and not turning in work, rather than being a rebel), getting wings he almost certainly didn’t qualify for, and dodging a well deserved grounding because he was Navy royalty. Most men don’t get a chance to…

Making fun of his weight is just picking low hanging fruit, which Christie would never touch, unless it’s covered in chocolate or filling a pie; because he’s a fatty fatty 2x4, can’t fit through the kitchen door.

I’m going to have it surgically fused to my brain. I’m even willing to go bankrupt if my insurance won’t cover it.

Unlikely. Scott Baio doesn’t get enough work to be able to afford the price tag Trump’ll put on it.

He’ll be in DC until his youngest graduates. He said he’s going to work with Holder and others and try to fix gerrymandering.

Pretty sure it was for Green Bay under coach Ditka.

If it was me, and this country was as thoroughly fucked as it is, I would run for the Senate again.

So we’re all just supposed to forget that Jordan tried to bring back the Hitler mustache, thus opening the door for the mainstreaming of the alt-right, and the election of Trump?