If you aren’t dismantling your blender when you clean it, you aren’t cleaning it properly.

Uh to all the fake wokies and too black, too strong to like vote and stuff John Lewis and members of The CBC handed them out to be worn. If you have an issue with John Lewis, Jim Clyburn and Maxine Waters feel free to fuck all the way off and die. Oh I guess you all are more impressed with a chick that climbed a…

Regarding #2, standards in things like video, audio and cars work well. Standards protect tvs from any content being too bright. Standards protect speakers (or ear drums) from blowing out when at a normal volume. No maker-specific dongles have to be purchased for refilling tires or gas tanks.

Fuck I miss Splinter.

My 12-year-old son played basketball this season and had a coach who might privately complain to me (the assistant coach) about players’ attitudes and ineptitude, but he never once yelled at the boys. He always encouraged and redirected positively. And the boys really were better for it. They built confidence and…

I mean, you say your kids are cool, but are they so cool you want to fuck them?  

In New York they’ll choke you to death in the street for selling cigarettes

“She made me stay down there forever. Then she started movin’ around and I thought somethin’ was wro-ong. Then I asked her, ‘Comin’ where, Jenn-ay?’”

he spent the better part of three days eating Jeni’s Ice Cream.

1) Pee Corner: Elevator floors are welded on so one corner is going to be lower than the rest. That’s your pee corner.
2) Sleeping Corner: Highest corner
3) Trash Corner: For snack wrappers
4) Crying corner: Maybe opposite the Pee Corner or not. Depends on how low your prospects of getting out have become.

And if you’re alone, go to town on yourself until the firefighters arrive; if they ask what you’re doing, tell them it’s the only way you can repopulate the Earth.

Please. That's not angry. When Jordan gets angry it's not his face you see, it's Oakley's.

I once caught my son’s pacifier before it hit the floor of a Walmart bathroom. His face hit it pretty hard, but the pacifier stayed clean.

Yeah, I’m not saying he’s not a big cow, but I think there’s some perspective shenanigans going on here.

That’s great and everything but I still want to eat it. 

I hate headlines like this. I hate stories like this.

With his BMI and your standard Wisconsin diet of cheese, sausage and beer? Medically speaking he’s probably a ticking ti-

As long as all of the punches were thrown underhand, no rules were broken.

Bullshit.

The Finals are so over I just saw a Puerto Rican child wearing a Cleveland Cavaliers 2018 NBA World Champions shirt on CNN.