My finest moment recently was having a two foot long hair tangled in my pubic hair. I feared for a second that my pubic hair was on overdrive. So bad.

Thanks. Sorry if I scared you. We were talking the other night and she's finally lost all her steroid weight and her skin has cleared up, she's rolling with a super cute asymmetric bob and she looks wonderful.

When my wife was bald and in chemo, I'd have given anything to have to deal with random hair around the house. When she first started chemo, it fell out in giant clumps, leaving a halo of her naturally blonde hair on her pillow and wherever she sat. Eventually, she asked me to shave her head and that was when it all…

She didn’t shop very sensibly with her $29.

I guess you could say they...man-eloped.

Okay, here’s my manatee story: my parents retired to Florida in the early ‘80s. They were of modest means, but somehow my mother ended up in a very tony bridge club, and soon feared she was totally outclassed. The group met at each others’ houses and, as she discovered to her terror, always had lunch that featured a…

Google image has some real weird stuff when you search for manatees.

This. I don’t think I have even thought about Barry Manilow since 1977. When I was 5, and thought “Copacabana” was the best song ever. (I also thought that it was the hottest spot north of Urbana (Illinois), because I had heard of that, and Havana, not so much.)

I...have some news about Liberace.

I actually dip my q-tips in hydrogen peroxide before I clean my ears.

It's like putting rice krispies in your ear, but those suckers are clean afterwards.

I wish the girl had shouted “WHO’S THE BABY NOW? while picking her up.

Why do white people insist on destroying their own neighborhoods?

You going to hell with gasoline drawers on!

Not really a horror story, but definitely not something I would do:

Oh, another opportunity to bitterly complain about my first husband – yay! Our very first fight was the beginning of our honeymoon. My friends had "decorated" his car with Just Married graffiti, random inflated condoms – as you do when people get married. We exited the church and walked to the car while our friends…

We had a wonderful 10-day honeymoon in St. Barts & St. Maarten. Halfway through the trip, I bit into a piece of baguette (we were on the French side) and a crown on one of my teeth popped off. The tooth below it was basically non-existent so now I have a huge gap / no tooth in my mouth. I saved the crown (left it on a…

My ex and I went to WDW for our honeymoon. For a couple who fought all the time at home and ont had sex twice on said honeymoon, it went rather well.

We traveled to Greece and Turkey in 2011, just as the Greek political climate was becoming very tumultuous. The plan was to ferry-hop some Greek islands from Turkey to Greece, so our ferry itinerary was Fethiye in Turkey -> Rodos/Rhodes -> Santorini -> Athens. When we arrived in Rhodes, the owner of the charming…

My husband and I got married fairly young, and were way too excited about the swim up bars at the resort we stayed at in Mexico. So after an afternoon of drinking 'Cozumel Blues' (I have no idea what was in this drink) in the pool, we went up to our room. We were smoking a cigar on the balcony and flirting, when my…

Not a horror per se but a possible problem: wedding is at 3pm on Sunday. I wake up Sunday morn at my parents house, and hear on the radio that all the air traffic controllers in Canada have walked off the job because they want to speak French to pilots. Since we are honeymooning in Montreal and Quebec, this looks bad.